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How to Make Co-Parenting Work and Finding Common Ground
Contributed by
Ben Heldfond
How to Make Co-Parenting Work and Finding Common Ground
The Our Happy Divorce story didn’t begin with sunshine and rainbows. It wasn’t the happy divorce that you see today by any stretch of the imagination. Throughout the beginning of our divorce journey there was one thing that made us put aside our egos, tell the shark-like divorce attorneys to stand down, and simmer all of the animosity that had been brewing between us– our son, Asher.
Asher was young when we divorced. We ultimately realized that he didn’t choose for us to get married, and he didn’t choose for us to get divorced. In order for us to give him the best future possible, we had to come together and figure out a way to have the happiest and healthiest divorce we could. We had to put Asher first. That has been the guiding principle through everything that we’ve done in our divorce thereafter. It wasn’t easy. There were several grin-and-bear-it moments, but over time, it got easier.
Today, we live in the same neighborhood, we go on family trips with our new spouses and two additional kiddos. We have holidays together. We send out a blended family Christmas card. Nikki and Nadia even refer to each other as best friends — or “the wives” as they like to say. We’re not here to preach, we’re just here to show you that positive co-parenting can be done, as long as the common ground is “put your kids first.”
Finding Common Ground
Just because your marriage has ended doesn’t mean you get to opt-out of the family you created. As a parent, your responsibility is first and foremost to your child. The only way you’re ever going to be able to create a safe and healthy environment to raise your child in is by learning to set your ego aside and find a way to make co-parenting work.
While the romance may be gone, having a child together ensures that you and your co-parent will remain a part of each other’s lives for quite some time. This time together doesn’t have to be miserable, and it won’t be if you make the effort to work on your relationship.
Changing Your Ex From “Villain” to Partner
Particularly after a messy divorce, co-parenting may not seem like the most natural fit moving forward. But with a bit of emotional growth and a lot of hours spent re-learning how to healthily communicate with your ex, you’ll come to enjoy the ride down this long (and occasionally bumpy) road. First things first though:
There is no villain in the story of your divorce It’s impossible to successfully co-parent without taking an honest accounting of what happened. Remember, it takes two people to end a marriage. Take responsibility for your actions, and find the strength to say “I’m sorry.” If you don’t lay the anger and resentment to rest, it will find a way to come back and haunt you and your co-parent’s relationship.
Putting your child first isn’t conditional It’s imperative that when you or your co-parent find a new partner, they’re respectful of your arrangement. Your new partner may feel intimidated at first by just how close you and your co-parent’s relationship is, but be patient and take the time to educate them on the importance of it all. Remember though, your child is your first priority. If your partner refuses to understand your relationship with your co-parent, then they are actively choosing to miss out on an important part of your life.
Don’t stick your child with an emotional bill they had no choice in Don’t underestimate how traumatic divorce can be for your child. While you and your former partner are learning how to become successful co-parents, your child is learning to adapt to their new reality. On top of all the other difficulties they encounter while navigating adolescence, they now have to do it all in a world where their parents are no longer together. Divorce is scary enough for your child, you and your co-parent should be doing everything in your power to avoid adding to it.
Grin and Bear It Moments Will Happen
Expect to encounter some growing pains as you learn to become a successful co-parent. But by putting in the work and learning to communicate with your ex, you’ll both find yourselves happier and more successful in your co-parenting relationship. You and your ex couldn’t make your marriage work for your child. That’s fine, now it’s time to make your divorce work for them!