I won’t sugarcoat it. Worse than the “this marriage is over” feeling that lives in the pit of your stomach as you uncouple from the man you’d expected to spend your life with, is the event that will inevitably creep up at some point down the road.

It could be years later after you’ve given yourself time to heal from the split, or worse, in the days after you’ve split while you’re still drying your tears.  The blow will still hurt just as much no matter when you’re faced with it; when your ex brings a new woman around your kids. It’ll bring you to your knees with pain and tear you apart with anger.

“How could he do this without asking me first?!” you’ll want to scream. “Who does this woman think she is?!!” 

I know the feeling. But I also know the other side of it. I am a stepmom after all, which means that at some point, my husband’s ex-wife cursed the day I was born because he brought me around their only daughter. I also have an ex-husband who had a girl he was dating SLEEP OVER while my daughter was there before I even knew he was dating anyone. 

Before I get into my tips for how not to kill this woman, um, I mean, how to deal with this kind of thing, I want to share a little story with you.

When I was 8-years-old, my mom discovered that my father had been, not just cheating, but living an entire double life with another woman. He was sleeping at her house and telling my mom he was out of town. He was telling her that he had been divorced. He was raising her son as his own child. He was missing my school plays, dance recitals, and my mom’s doctor appointments while she was pregnant with my brother so he could be with her.

Luckily my mom found out, and left him. She, too, wanted to claw this woman’s eyes out. But then something funny happened – my mom befriended her.

And not in a way where they met for coffee on the weekends to chit-chat about life. They formed a relationship that came with an underlying principle: respect. The woman checked in with my mom about us kids when my dad refused to pick up the phone. My mom would thank her for taking care of us the way only a woman could. She would encourage us to call our mom on Saturday mornings when our dad could care less. My mom would ask her to do the things my dad would never remember to do; like enforce teeth brushing, hair washing, and early bedtimes.

And it worked.

Now I know what you’re thinking – how the hell could my mom respect a woman that destroyed her marriage? For my mom, though, it was never about her feelings – it was about her children, which is what I preach to you all the time.

As much as it hurts, as much as you want to set her car on fire, you have to stop seeing this new person your ex is with as the enemy – because she (or he) is not. It’s your ex who is the enemy – she’s just sleeping with him.

Here’s what to do when your ex brings someone new around the kids:

1. Accept that your anger/pain/frustration/disappointment won’t change the situation

Sure, you can feel all of these things, but living in these feelings won’t do anything but hurt you more. Acknowledge that this new stage in your post-divorce life is indeed a less than desirable one, but a natural next step nonetheless. The sooner you can get on board with it, the sooner you can learn how to live with it.

2. Realize that this new person is not out to hurt your kids

I think you know this deep down inside. They’re not there to be the evil witch stepmother. They’re there because your ex is allowing them to be – that’s what’s really pissing you off. But again, this isn’t about you – it’s about the kids.

3. Recognize that there are positives to your kids witnessing love

If your ex has a healthy relationship with this person, as in, they respect one another, show affection to each other, make life happier for each other – these are the kinds of things you want your kids to see. Sure, you would have loved for it to be with you, but it’s not, and your children shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. Children form their beliefs and understanding of relationships by what is modeled to them, so if it’s good stuff, they’re being set up to welcome and accept good stuff from their future partners as they grow.

4. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer

Sure, she’s your enemy in your heart; this bitch who now parades around with your ex-husband, posting ‘love of my life” selfies all over her Instagram page. But, just like my mom realized with my dad’s mistress  – she’s also a connection to your kids; a bridge to them that your ex may have already closed off. You need to use this to your advantage. How?

• Set up a time to meet and chat with her
• Explain to her your feelings about your kids – she’ll understand, she’s a woman and may also be a mother as well.
• Set expectations; “I love that you’re treating my kids so well but I don’t want to feel replaced. Can you please help me with that?” or “I know my ex will let them live a life with no rules but in my house we have them – can you at least make sure they’re brushing their teeth and not living solely on oreos and cheez-its while they’re with you guys?”
• Tell her that your intention is not to hate her, it’s to keep your kids happy and safe.
• Encourage her to text or call you with questions

By doing this, you’re showing her that you’re not the crazy bitch your ex might be making you out to be, but rather just another mom who misses, loves, and wants the world for her kids. 

5. If this new person won’t connect with you, or if they’re stepping on your toes left and right and there’s no way to shut it down, read number 2 & 3 again. You cannot control how other people behave, but you can learn to see things from a different perspective and control your responses to it.

Lastly, don’t speak ill of this person around your kids. Even if they come to you crying that they hate her, you cannot fuel their fire. Encourage them to give the relationship with her a try, just like you would a new classmate or team member. 

Remember, the compassion, understanding, and positive attitude you model for your kids will be the foundation for who they become.

Ugly times or not, pain in your heart that feels almost impossible to deal with – that’s your job as a mother – always has been and always will be.

Keep going mama, you’ve got this.