Summarized Transcript of The Moving On Method® Podcast

Introduction – Dating After Divorce in a World of Apps and Uncertainty

HOST (Michelle Dempsey-Multack):
Welcome back to another episode of Mom’s Moving On. Today, I’m joined by Rachel DeAlto, a relationship and dating expert for Match and Stir, who also holds a law degree and a master’s in psychology. Rachel has spent over a decade guiding people back into love after heartbreak. Together, we unpack one of the most requested topics from my community: How do you navigate dating after divorce with confidence, clarity, and hope?

How Did Rachel Get Into This Work?

GUEST (Rachel DeAlto):

Transitioned from being an attorney to launching a dating startup.
Earned a master’s in psychology to deepen her expertise.
Became a relationship coach and expert with Match and Stir.

HOST:
We all crave companionship, but dating after divorce often feels terrifying. Rachel compares it to “swimming across the ocean with your hands tied behind your back and your head on fire.”

QUOTE: “At our core, we all want connection. After divorce, you still want it, but now fear makes it harder.”

Why Dating After Divorce Feels So Different

HOST:

Dating today looks nothing like it did 20 years ago. Apps dominate, and meeting in person feels rare.
Divorced parents feel extra pressure: when to disclose children, how much to share, and what to expect.
The stakes feel higher because people don’t want to repeat past mistakes.

GUEST (Rachel):

The key is to release unrealistic expectations.
Start with openness: date to learn, date to rediscover who you are now.
Don’t rush into defining the outcome.

Common Mistakes Divorced Singles Make on Dating Apps

Entering the dating world with rigid expectations.
Assuming they must know exactly what they want right away.
Settling too quickly due to fear of being alone.

Rachel’s advice:

Give yourself permission to “just date.”
Treat early dates as practice, not auditions for marriage.
Focus on healing and rediscovering yourself first.

QUOTE: “After divorce, dating is less about finding ‘the one’ immediately and more about figuring out who you are now.”

How to Build an Authentic Dating Profile

HOST: What should divorced parents include, or avoid, when building dating profiles?

GUEST (Rachel):

Be honest about having children. Transparency builds trust.
Keep it positive—focus on what you’re looking for, not what you don’t want.
Showcase 4–5 genuine photos. Skip filters and over-edited images.
Profiles should invite conversation, not read like an interrogation.

Do’s and Don’ts for First Dates After Divorce

Approach first dates as extended introductions, opportunities for connection, not job interviews.
Confidence and humor matter more than interrogation lists.
Be honest about long-term goals, but don’t force ultimatums too soon.
Stay open to evolving your perspective as you grow post-divorce.

HOST (Michelle):
My own story shows that sometimes clarity comes later. Being flexible allowed me to find true alignment with my now-husband.

Rachel’s Book: Relatable

Rachel’s book Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone, Anywhere, Even if It Scares You provides a blueprint for authentic connection in personal, professional, and romantic life.

Framework:

Connect – Build confidence and authenticity.
Communicate – Express yourself effectively and empathetically.
Inspire – Tap into what lights you up so others are drawn to you.

QUOTE: “Imagine if everyone woke up cool with themselves and self-aware, we’d all be out of business.”

Closing Insights

Rachel’s final advice:

Believe in the magic of love.
Healing takes time, but connection is worth pursuing.
Don’t give up on the possibility of finding a supportive, emotionally healthy relationship.

HOST (Michelle):
I’ve lived this truth myself. Believing in the magic and staying open led me to a second marriage that brought out the best version of me.

Memorable Quotes

“Dating after divorce is like swimming across the ocean with your hands tied behind your back and your head on fire.”
“Just date to meet people—don’t put pressure on yourself to have it all figured out.”
“Respect yourself enough to be honest and positive in your profile.”
“Believe in magic—connection is worth it.”

Raw Transcript:

Welcome back to another episode of moms moving on. I’m so excited because I feel like I get a ton of questions in my DMS about dating after divorce. And I’m not really the right person to ask considering I dated one person after divorce and didn’t meet on a dating app.

But now we not only have a dating expert. We have Rachel D’Alto who has, who works for match. Okay.

She works as a relationship expert for match. She works for stir. I’m sure you’ve heard of both of these.

She has a background as a lawyer. She’s a master’s in psychology. If there’s anyone who could help you with your dating journey after divorce, it’s you, Rachel.

Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. I’m happy to help.

Yeah. Well, I mean, let’s dive right in. Let’s hear about like how you got into this line of work and, you know, just kind of became the queen of dating apps.

You know, it’s so funny. I think back to it. Oh my gosh, it’s been, you know, 12, 13 years now.

And so I was an attorney and then I had a startup company in the dating space that really didn’t go anywhere, but it introduced me to it. And I was like, what is this? And so really recognize that there was so much out there and there were so many people out there that were looking for love. And so I started really diving into it and then got my coaching background and then went back to school and got my master’s in psych.

So I can understand the background more and just kind of led me on this road. So I’ve been plugging along ever since, and there’s been so many iterations, but at the core, it’s been pretty much the same as that people are looking for companionship. And so if there’s any way to help, I’m absolutely here for it.

Yeah. I mean, that’s, that’s at our core, right? We’re all looking for that connection with somebody that we can trust and lean on. And especially after divorce, you still want that, but now you want it and you’re scared and you’re fearful that you can be hurt the same way again.

And I once had a client like in dating after divorce to trying to swim across the ocean with your hands tied behind your back and your head on fire. Like, and I see it, I see it. I’ve been doing this five years.

I mean, can you speak to that a little bit? Yeah. You know, it’s, it’s interesting. It depends on, I always say it depends on how long the relationship was.

Obviously if you’ve been out of the dating scene for 20, 30 years, it can feel like an entirely different experience than when you first met your partner. Because 20 years ago, there were no apps. It was all, you met in person, you met through a friend, you met at work, and now we’re working from home.

Everything’s online. And you, you, you come into this and you’re like, wait a second. I don’t even know how to meet people, let alone what do I do when I’m on the date? So I can understand.

We’ve all gotten really socially awkward. Like, yes, we have. I couldn’t imagine, honestly, couldn’t imagine dating right now.

So I feel that. Yeah. Yeah.

And it doesn’t have to be that way, but because I feel like at the end of the day, we all have our relationships, right? We have friendships, we have, uh, you know, our family relationships. We, we know how to have a relationship. We know how to have conversations.

We know how to talk to people. But I think what happens is especially dating after divorce, dating with children, you feel there’s so much more pressure, right? You’re not just kind of enjoying yourself anymore. When I think back to how I was in my early twenties, like whatever, you know, there’s no big deal.

Well, there’s so much more on the line and there’s so much more awkwardness because you’re like, well, do I talk about this? Do I talk about that? Do I tell them I have kids? Do I do all these things? And so it just makes it so much more stressful and it doesn’t have to be, and it does get easier. So if anyone’s listening, they’re like, my gosh, this sounds awful. I’m staying inside.

It does get easier. It just takes practice. Yeah.

And that’s what we need to dive into because I mean, comparing dating after divorce to dating in your twenties, I feel like there’s so much more room to mess up and make mistakes and you’re putting way less pressure on it. You probably don’t have children, you know, it’s, it’s a whole different ball game and that much scarier after. So what are the, some, what are some of like the, I hate to say mistakes, but mistakes people are making on the dating apps as divorced humans.

Sure. You know, I think one of the biggest things is that there’s just a really high expectation at first. And I understand having some expectations of how this could go, but I think it’s really important for people when they’re reentering that dating scene is to really let go of expectations, just be open to meeting humans and figuring out like, what am I looking for? Because oftentimes, you know, and, and it depends on what someone is looking for after divorce.

Have they been divorced for a while? Have they processed, have they, you know, gone through their healing period and now they are looking for a relationship. Well, then it’s okay. We’re going to set some expectations, but more so for the people who are just starting to kind of tiptoe back into things, it doesn’t have to feel so intense.

You can just date to date. You can date to meet people and figure out maybe I’m still figuring out what I am looking for right now. You know, it’s something I see oftentimes where people, they think they have to have it all figured out.

And then they realize after they thought they had it all figured out, oh my gosh, that’s not what I was looking for. And then they feel like, oh my gosh, I wasted time or emotions. And so I give people permission to just date for the sake of dating, go meet some humans.

Thank you. You may have a connection with, you may not, but at least it’ll teach you after this relationship, after this divorce of how can I look at dating differently? What am I looking for? Maybe there are certain elements that I really am interested in. There’s certain things that I’m not looking for, but now I’m figuring that out.

So it’s taking that pressure off. For sure. And I always say like, you get such a good opportunity after a divorce to kind of just go out there and see who you are at this phase in your life.

Like you’re not the 20 year old, like looking for the guy who’s good on paper and like someone going to marry me. I need a wedding. You, you can, you can like sample the goods like a day at Costco, you know? And I find that a lot of people are so concerned with settling down again.

Is anybody going to want me that they settle down too quickly? Do you see this too? A hundred percent. Yeah. I think sometimes it’s scary to be alone.

If you’ve been a partner for however long you were married or partnered for, or sometimes it can feel really uncomfortable to be with yourself. And so that’s where that inner healing has to come. That’s where that time has to pass.

And, and so, yeah, I definitely see people where they’re like, no, no, no, this person, this works. And then they realize, Oh, you like me? Okay. So done.

Okay. Let’s get married. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we wonder why the divorce rate for second marriages is so high for so many. It doesn’t have to be, it could be, it could be a perfect union.

If you actually took the time to be like, okay, that’s what didn’t work in my last marriage. This is what I need to focus on. This is how I’ve grown as a human.

This is how I’ve evolved. And then you meet someone who meets you there, then things are a little bit different. So.

So talk to me about the dating profile. Cause a lot of my clients will ask me and I’m like, I don’t know. What are, how much is too much in the dating profile? Like boobs out, like what, what are we doing on the dating profile? Cause I don’t know.

Yeah. I think it’s important to be honest and positive, you know, especially when we talk about a lot, uh, with children, you know, obviously with stir, you know, that everybody on there is a parent. So that kind of takes it off, off the table.

But if you’re on another site, um, really being honest, I have children. I, you know, this is what I’m looking for. This is who I am right now is so important, but to do it in a way that’s positive.

I think the biggest mistakes that I see is, and especially if you went through something that was very traumatic or difficult to, to go through, you know, I do see a lot of profiles that say, I don’t want someone who does this. I don’t want this. I don’t want that.

And when you read it, you’re like, Ooh, they seem like they’re fun at parties. And so you really have to be like, okay, what positivity am I bringing to this situation? What positive things are you looking for? And that’s it. It doesn’t have to be, it should not be a book.

It should not be, it should not be an interrogation. Um, it should be definitely something of like, Hey, this is what I’m looking for. This is who I am, you know, and these are some things that I bring to the table and then call it a day and put some really good pictures on there.

And all it’s meant to do is to really start the conversation. So you’re not, all we’re trying to do is avoid not having a conversation. Yeah.

And in a day and age where we’re, you know, using filters and kind of skewing how we look on social media, like it’s, it’s so available to us. We all do it. What, what are some do’s and don’ts for the photos? You know, I have a friend, um, a dating expert, Bella Gandhi.

Have you heard of her? She’s okay. Yeah. Who says you need professional photos? And I’m like, you know, there’s probably something to that.

Do you agree? So, well, Bella does everything right. So I will never be with Bella ever. I adore her so much.

There’s a reason why her last name is Gandhi. Yes. She’s just an amazing human being.

Uh, but you know, it’s funny. So I think you professional photos are great. They’re not necessarily necessary for everyone.

I think there’s people who take a really good picture. And I think the thing that Bella realized and why that’s such a requirement for her is like, some people don’t know how to take a good picture. Right.

And so if we can level the playing field on that and everybody can take a picture that shows them the breast light without using filters, because she does use professional people who would not alter an image to that extent. I get that. But there are a lot of people out there that can take a solid selfie that you can prop your phone up and get a picture that you can find.

Maybe, you know, you were climbing a mountain somewhere and someone took a photo. Like these are really interesting things that not necessarily a professional photographer would cover. Um, but I always say like you want four to five pictures that show you in your best light, but show you in your best light, not the AI version of you, not the, you know, every, every wrinkle doesn’t have to go away.

Like we are human beings where, you know, and the worst thing you can do is, is get in front of someone and have them be like, that is not you, which happens, unfortunately, you know, it happens right. But I mean, how many times have you met someone in real life that you met online, you know, whether it was professionally through like LinkedIn or Instagram or something. And I’m like, that is not the same person.

Yeah. It does happen, unfortunately. And like, it’s something that I carry for me too.

Right. Like I’m so visible on social media and then like people stop me and meet me and I’m like, Oh my God, I’m sorry. I don’t have makeup on, you know, like it’s, it’s, that’s the world we live in.

Okay. So now we’ve, we’ve made our dating profile, we’ve managed our expectations and now we’re going on the first date. Yes.

How do you not fuck that all up as a divorced person? No, you’re going to be amazing. And you know what the coolest thing, and this is something that, that Ster has done a lot of research in is just how, how, and this not necessarily for all divorced people, because not everyone divorced has children, but for people with children that they’ve studied, it’s like they show up more confidently and what they’re looking for is having fun. And so what people are really looking for, especially divorcees, especially single parents are people who are going to laugh with them who are going to enjoy the time together.

So rather than really focusing on like, let’s get to brass tacks, let’s, let’s figure out, like I was talking to my neighbors the other day and they came to their first date and they’re married happily, but they came with like questionnaires and like lists and whatnot. But you know what, when I started dating my now husband, it was such a surprise to me that I met someone so soon after my divorce. And I remember like right off the bat, I’m like, I want to get married again.

I think I want more kids. Tell me where you stand on that. Like I, because I was like not about to waste my time.

Understandable. Yep. That’s completely understandable.

And for people who know what they’re looking for, I say, put it all out there. But most of all, when you get to that first date, like, let’s just see if you guys can have fun together. Let’s see if there’s anything that you, you know, you can connect on.

Is there a meaningful conversation that you can have? Is it awkward? So really when I think about first dates, those are just like, it’s literally just the hello. It’s an extended hello. And then after that is when you get into the meatier things, but there’s no, there’s no issue.

I mean, when I went on my first date with my now husband, we were both very clear that we didn’t want more children. We have four together. We’re tapped out, you know, so we’re good, but you know, I wanted to get married.

He didn’t. And that’s, that’s an interesting thing too, is that was something that he really wasn’t interested in. Well, it took us a little bit longer and he, you know, I had to wait until he came around.

Cause I went, I’m going to be like, you must marry me. Cause ultimatums don’t really go very well. That’s a whole different topic of conversation.

But also I would just suggest as maybe you are on, on close pages. Cause if I think about it with him, I’m like, if I was so dead set on getting married again, I wouldn’t have seen him again. Because at that point he wasn’t really interested, but he wasn’t, he wasn’t interested in getting married because he didn’t know me.

You know, he hadn’t met me yet. Oh, I love that. Yeah.

So it’s like, so you officially are a dating expert. I mean, you, you, you made magic over there. Well, have your list, but be open for magic, be open to the possibility that things can shift and change, but not in a delusional way.

And you can shift and change. Like I was so set on wanting more kids. And then after my husband and I settled into our relationship and blended our girls, I was like, you know what? That was just something I thought I needed, but like don’t necessarily want.

So the fact that you are still malleable and, and changing and growing is important to consider too. 100%, 100%. And it happens in both directions.

And so the only thing that I always caution is like, I’m sure you’ve heard this before where someone’s like, oh no, I can change them. I can change their mind. That’s when we all got divorced straight.

That’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about just being open to the possibility and how I dealt with that is, you know, I went into that situation wanting to get married again. And he was, you know, at that point, very vocal that that wasn’t something on the table.

And I thought, well, is it this person that I want to be with? Or is it the ring and the institution? And it’s both, but it’s more so the person. And if he decided that he never wanted to get married and we’re going to be like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn for the rest of our lives, I would have rather had that than not have him. And so you got to think through all of the avenues here.

Yeah. That’s a great thing to consider. I mean, you are very knowledgeable on this, probably why you wrote a book.

Can you tell us about your book, baby? Yes, I wrote a relatable and it’s how to connect with anyone, anywhere, even if it scares you, because it can be a little scary. And it’s really focused on all of like, we were talking about the awkwardness of conversations and relationships. And whether you’re looking at it from a professional, personal or romantic standpoint, it really covers all of those three.

Wow. So professional, personal, like, if you’re just weird in general, putting yourself out there, no, seriously, like, I got you. There are people who could never, you know, go to their employer and say, I need this, or I want that, or here’s what’s not working.

And because they’re scared of how to make that connection, or they don’t know how, I think that’s, I mean, it’s great that you cover all this ground, my goodness. Yeah, I just, I saw it as such a general, there’s such a foundation of a challenge out there that everything is built upon with whatever relationship you’re looking for. And there was so much awkwardness and so much discomfort with themselves.

And that’s where, you know, I think a lot of our challenges come from is that lack of confidence, that lack of feeling worth. And so how do we cover all of those things, you know, and really allow people to feel comfortable in all of those types of relationship building? That’s really helpful. I think nothing, you know, if you went into your marriage, not feeling confident, and then this person kind of broke you down or wore you down, or just the fact that you couldn’t make it work, shattered your confidence or your trust in yourself.

It is, it is so much harder to find that after a divorce. I’ve been there. It’s, you know, nothing pulls the rug out from under you quite like realizing the thing you said yes to forever for you, you couldn’t figure it out.

So I think that’s really great. So walk us through the book. Like how is that? Sure.

Different chapters? Like, how is it structured? Yeah, it’s, it’s structured in terms, I always think of, there’s a blueprint to being relatable and building these connections. And so the blueprint is connect, communicate, inspire. And so it’s broken into those three sections.

And then within those sections, I talk about kind of those different things, whether it’s connect and figuring out who you are, and how to be more confident, how to be more real and authentic in the situations that apply to that. How do you communicate better? How do you communicate better with your partner? How do you communicate better at work? And how do you just communicate in a way that’s more received better? You know, I think that’s something a lot of times we talk the way we want to talk, and we talk when we want to talk. And that is not necessarily when people are best receiving it.

It’s not necessarily what people need to hear. And then the inspire section is really just figuring out what lights you up, you know, and, and really, how can you become that person that everybody is drawn to? Because you know who you are, and you know, you know, what it is that really makes you want to wake up in the morning and live another amazing day. So that’s kind of the structure of everything.

Harnessing authenticity and communication is challenging for sure. And I imagine that’s what you like, get to the core of and do you have like a favorite chapter? Like what is the one for you that hits home the most? You know, I it’s funny, as we were talking about it, I do love the chapter on confidence, because I think it’s the one that even the people that would not admit that they need it. I see a lot of it, and I’m going to be stereotypical here.

But a lot of men that I’ve talked to, they’re like, I didn’t realize I needed that until I read it. And so, you know, I think it’s, it’s something that everybody can benefit from is like, how can you just own who you are? Like, imagine if you woke up in a world where everybody was just cool with themselves, and had self awareness. Oh, my God, I mean, we’d be out business girlfriend.

Yeah, exactly. I’d be fired immediately. Like, we don’t need you.

It’s really funny. So you’re awesome. You’re is it out yet? When does it come out? It’s been out? Yeah, that’s it.

My book’s been out for a couple years now. Oh, yeah, it’s out. All right.

I need a copy. Clearly, I will get that. Because, you know, I think I’ve worked so hard on, like, I’m very focused on what’s under my roof.

Like, my kids, my husband, we like, we’ve got that communication down pat, but taking I’m on zoom all day taking yourself out into the real world. It’s intimidating. And so I think this would be such a benefit also would love to gift one to one of our listeners.

So we should have a little Instagram giveaway. Got it. Okay, so if you could give like one big piece of advice to anyone listening who is dipping their toe into the dating pool after divorce, what would it be? Believe in the magic.

Believe in the matter is magic in love. Like we are not meant to walk this alone. We are not.

And so believing in that magic and holding out hope for that and building up even if that hope is just a tiny little kindling, you know, building that and holding on to that is so important, because it’s worth it. At the end of the day, it’s all worth it to find that person. I couldn’t agree more.

And I’d be lying if I said I ever believed in the magic until I saw it for myself in my now second marriage where I feel like the best version of myself because I’m emotionally supported. Wow, that right there is magic. And everybody deserves that.

Yeah, it gives me goosebumps. Yeah. Well, it took a lot of work, Rachel, I’m not gonna lie.

Get the book, everyone. Oh my God, I’m so excited for people to read this. Where can people find you? Do you like work with clients one on one? I don’t.

Yeah, the only thing I do in person now is speaking. So I’m a keynote speaker. But that’s more on the corporate side of things and connection building.

But I am I’m accessible on social media everywhere. And through all of match group and stir as well. Well, we will for sure link all of it to everybody listening.

I encourage you to check her out all the more reason to read her book because you can’t work with her one on one. So that’s the closest you’ll get to this magical being speaking of magic. For everyone listening.

If you have more questions on dating or anything in the co parenting divorce space that we can be helpful with you know where to reach us info at mom’s moving on.com. Rachel, thank you for being here. And we’ll see you next time on mom’s moving on. Thank you