Summarized Transcript of Episode 263 of The Moving On Method® Podcast

Introduction – Why Control in Co-Parenting Feels So Overwhelming

HOST (Michelle Dempsey-Multack):
It’s been eight and a half years since my own divorce, and one theme keeps surfacing for me and my clients: the illusion of control in co-parenting. We crave it. We obsess over it. We think if we could just make our ex behave differently, or if our kids reacted exactly the way we wanted, everything would feel safe. But control in co-parenting doesn’t exist.

QUOTE: “Control in co-parenting is like trying to hold water in your hands. No matter how tightly you squeeze, it’s going to slip through your fingers.”

Control is an Illusion Letting …

Why Do Divorced Parents Crave Control?

• Divorce shatters routines and predictability. Kids move between homes, schedules change, and trust with the ex is often broken.

• Wanting control is rooted in anxiety and self-protection, a way to reassure yourself that things will turn out “okay.”

• The problem: attempting to control another adult or child only breeds frustration, resentment, and exhaustion.

HOST:
We believe if things work out exactly as we decide, that will be “best.” But clinging to control is really about soothing our own fears, not empowering our children.

Why Control Is an Illusion in Co-Parenting

• You cannot control what your ex feeds the kids, what they watch, or how they feel in the other home.

• You cannot control if your co-parent speaks negatively about you.

• You cannot control your children’s emotional reactions to divorce.

HOST:
Trying to control people only pushes them further away. The marriage ended because expectations weren’t met; continuing the cycle in co-parenting only repeats old patterns.

QUOTE: “Expectation is the root of all heartache. When your expectations aren’t met, disappointment follows.”

Control is an Illusion Letting …

What Does Letting Go Actually Look Like?

Q: Does letting go mean giving up?

A: Not at all. It means:

• Accepting discomfort when your kids are in the other home.

• Modeling the values you want to instill (healthy eating, respectful communication) in your own home without criticizing your ex.

• Supporting kids with resilience when negative messages come from the other parent.

• Validating your child’s emotions rather than trying to erase their pain.

HOST:
Letting go doesn’t mean surrendering your influence, it means reclaiming it in healthy, intentional ways.

The Power of Surrender

• Surrender ≠ weakness. It means shifting energy from unwinnable battles to what truly matters.

• By surrendering, parents gain peace, stability, and emotional clarity.

• Children thrive when they feel their parents are calm, grounded, and present, not anxious or bitter.

QUOTE: “Once you surrender the illusion of control, you actually gain peace. Your energy shifts into building the life you want and the resilience your kids need.”

Control is an Illusion Letting …

Practical Exercise – Releasing Control

HOST:
Here’s my challenge:

1. Write down one thing about co-parenting you cannot control.

2. Next, write down one thing you can control, for yourself or your children.

This practice builds awareness and lightens the emotional load. Over time, it strengthens kids by showing them resilience, adaptability, and unconditional love.

Memorable Quotes

1. “Control in co-parenting is like trying to hold water in your hands.”

2. “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

3. “You can’t control your ex, but you can model resilience for your children.”

4. “Once you surrender the illusion of control, you actually gain peace.”