Summarized Transcript of Moms Moving On

How Do You Navigate In-Law Relationships After Divorce?

HOST (Michelle Dempsey-Multack):

Welcome back to another episode of Moms Moving On. As the holidays approach, we realized we haven’t discussed one of the most under-addressed frustrations of divorce, managing relationships with in-laws. Whether you’re newly separated or years past your split, the dynamic with your ex’s family can feel complicated, emotional, and even threatening.

CO-HOST (Jess):

Exactly. People often focus only on divorcing their spouse, forgetting that you’re also separating from an entire family system. These are people you may have loved for years, who now don’t know their place, and neither do you.

Why Are In-Laws So Hard to Handle Post-Divorce?
Divorce is not just a breakup of a marriage; it’s the dismantling of an entire life, including family bonds.

In-laws may feel protective of their child and fearful about losing access to their grandchildren.

Ego and insecurity, on both sides, can intensify holiday stress and lead to unnecessary conflict.

QUOTE:
“Your relationship with your in-laws, if you want a healthy rapport for your kids, has to change, and so does your view on their feelings right now.” – Michelle

Key Strategies for Maintaining Harmony
HOST:
I remind clients that grandparents are often acting from fear. Their biggest worry is: Will I still see the kids? Extending an olive branch can be a game changer.
Send a text acknowledging their importance: “No matter what, you’ll always be the kids’ grandparents.”

Encourage your children’s connection with their grandparents, even if your own relationship with them is strained.

Separate your ego from your parenting. Gifts, visits, or traditions with in-laws are not threats; they’re memories for your kids.

CO-HOST:
It’s also critical to model respect. Speak kindly about your ex’s parents in front of your children. Even small gestures, like baking cookies or sending a holiday card, show your kids what healthy boundaries look like.

Common Challenges and Solutions
Holiday Scheduling & Flexibility
Parenting plans are important, but flexibility creates peace. If in-laws are visiting from out of town, consider swapping days or splitting holidays to allow more grandparent time.

Avoid focusing on what’s “fair” for you. Prioritize your children’s experience over parental scorekeeping.

Gift Anxiety & Control
Let go of worries about extravagant gifts or new traditions. Children value love and security over material things.

If your child wants to buy a gift for their grandparents, support it, even if it’s technically your ex’s responsibility.

QUOTE:
“Children never remember what they get; they remember how they’re made to feel.” – Michelle

Emotional Boundaries and Self-Reflection
Recognize when your discomfort is rooted in ego rather than actual harm.

Accept that some in-laws may need time to soften. Your consistent kindness sets the tone for future interactions.

Remember, showing respect isn’t about your ex-in-laws deserving it, it’s about modeling maturity and stability for your children.

Memorable Quotes
“Extend the olive branch, it’s the golden ticket for a salty ex-mother-in-law.”

“Stop focusing on what’s fair for you. Your kids are already in an unfair situation.”

“You don’t have to love or even like your ex-in-laws, but your child deserves to see normalcy in their unnormal world.”

Raw Transcript:
Welcome back to another episode of Moms Moving On. We’re getting closer and closer to the holidays, and I feel like we have forgotten to talk about one of the most under-discussed frustrations that comes along with getting divorced. And Jess, my co-host here and I were thinking of topics for this unfiltered series, and we’re like, you know what? We got to talk about in-laws.

We can’t not. How could we pass that out? Right, Jess? Right. I mean, it’s such an important topic.

You know, when you’re heading into divorce or on the holidays, all of those things are so important to talk about and to just kind of get the word out there for people. Yeah. And I think in general, you know, with every client I meet with who is on the brink of divorce or is just starting the process, there seems to be like, like I met with a woman yesterday who was like, I know my husband is going to be fine with me dropping this bomb on him because we’ve been unhappy for so long, but I am so scared of my in-laws.

And this is a recurring theme. And it seems like we don’t pay enough attention to it because, I don’t know, why don’t we pay enough attention? But now with the holidays, people are really freaking out. Like how do I handle my in-laws? Yeah.

And I think it’s like one of those things that you, like you kind of mentioned, you think of divorce as like divorcing your spouse and don’t really take into consideration that you’re in a sense like divorcing your spouse and their entire family and vice versa. I mean, there can be relationships that have been formed over the years and it’s really hard to kind of separate. And like you said, to drop that bomb on someone, especially if you were a couple that was really private about any issues that you had or kind of put on this facade, like you were this great couple, it can come as a shock to families.

I talk about in the book, dismantling a whole life and this is part of it. And you don’t think about, in my situation, my ex-in-laws were not around, they’re in another state. And so it didn’t feel as difficult or intense to sever that cord or to still have them being super present because Bella gets to see them a few times a year.

So I didn’t get that. I didn’t get that side of it, but I see how frustrating it can be just in general, having in-laws who meddle. And then when you’ve like hurt their baby and how protective they get and how much they can actually fuel the divorce fire so much more than it needs to be fueled and very often lead people to litigation that where nothing needs to actually be litigated.

Yeah, totally. So you tell me, so your in-laws have been more present in your kids’ lives because they’re more local, right? So my family is local. My in-laws do live out of state, but they have the ability to travel here often.

So they were always very heavily involved as the kids were growing up when we were married. So it was a hard thing for me to go through. We weren’t the closest of in-laws per se.

I will say though, in a way, I feel like we’re almost closer now after the divorce. It’s easier for me to communicate and things like that. But so it was harder for my family to kind of understand.

We were living in Wisconsin together. That’s where the majority of my family is. It was almost like a breakup for them in a sense.

And especially with my brother and my ex, they were really, really close. So I, and we’ve talked about this, I really did kind of set the tone when I told my family, like, hey, this is what’s going on. But I always want you to speak of their dad with respect when talking about him around the kids.

I don’t want it to be this bashing session and vice versa. He was very open with his family about that. But I think it was also really important for me to still encourage that relationship with your ex-in-laws for your children to have, because I think it is so important.

And just like we talk about when exes find new partners, the more people that you have around your children that love them and can help give them these lifelong memories, it’s so important to give them that experience and that opportunity. Even if you may not have liked your in-laws personally, it’s still important if they’re treating your children with love and respect to encourage that relationship. A hundred percent.

You said the key word relationship. And people don’t, I think when you are at your most vulnerable and you’re hurt and you’re getting divorced and you’re angry with your ex or soon to be ex, anybody on their team feels like an enemy. But I always explain this to clients, like your relationship with your in-laws, if you want to have a healthy rapport for your kids has to change.

And so does your view on their feelings right now. And I always shift the narrative to what happens when you were a kid and some bully pulled your hair, your mom went into protective mode. So you now have to imagine your in-laws, they have an obligation to their kid and their kid is hurt right now, whether you want to admit it or not, or they see their kid in a situation that they never wanted their child to get divorced.

So now they’re in that protective mode. And then they’re also coming from a place of fear. Grandparents are so self-centered.

How will this affect my relationship with the children? Will I still get to be able to see the children? And so many people who have come to me saying, and now my mother-in-law is being such a bitch and she’s giving me the cold shoulder when I see her. I don’t want my kids to spend time with them because I don’t trust them. Okay.

Well, let’s take a step back here. What if you extended an olive branch? Hey, I know things are super awkward and tense right now, but I just want to let you know, no matter what, you’re always Holden’s grandma. And I never want that to change.

That is a game changer right there because their only fear is losing access to their grandchildren. Totally. I mean, you said it perfectly.

That’s something that, and I try to think about it from that perspective of like, let’s just say years down the road, I’m a grandparent and one of my children’s going through a divorce. That’s a very common fear that grandparents are going to have. Is this person going to keep me from my grandchildren? And especially like in both of our cases, when there is that difference in location, and that is where I had to really take a step back and think of it through the eyes of what’s best for my kids.

If their grandparents are coming up here, they’re, you know, spending money on flights or hotels or whatever to see them and to spend the time with them. Who am I to be like, no, it’s my day. You can’t see them.

Like, but a lot of people do that ability. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think, you know, it’s one of those things where are you doing it for you or are you thinking about what’s best for your children in this? Yeah. And I, and I can understand, you know, even in a happy relationship, you can be irritated by your in-laws, particularly mother-in-law because there’s always difficult dynamics there. But, you know, if you think about your kid growing up and talking about their experience, like one set of grandparents always took me to Disney world.

The other set always took me for ice cream, like having that experience as a child, like there’s nothing better than grandparents. Everyone who knows me knows my grandma is my absolute favorite person. And she’s the mom of my father that I am estranged from that ditched my entire family, left my mom high and dry.

My grandma, my mom’s mother-in-law stepped in to assume the responsibility that he could not fill. And, and that’s why I have like such a soft spot in my heart for it. But obviously now being the holidays, um, that in-law rage kind of creeps back in because maybe in-laws are in town or the kids are going with their other parents to see the in-laws and it just brings about all sorts of feelings.

Yeah, totally. I mean, I remember like the first holiday season that my in-laws were coming up to visit after our divorce. And I, as you know, have a very controlling personality and that controlling personality was very present in my marriage and the way I parented.

I know shocking, but I remember feeling such a sense of like, I lost control over like, well, what gifts are they going to bring them? And what are they going to do this? And I was, I had to really take a step back and think like, okay, so maybe this is the year they get bombarded with all the stuffed animals that you hated and didn’t want them to have when you were but like, guess what? Then those stuffed animals stay by dad’s. They get to enjoy their stuffies and he can manage the clutter, but it was hard. And we’re just thinking of like, you know, are they starting new traditions or what are they going to be doing when I’m not around? And I think, you know, as women, your mind can also go down that path of like, well, are they just going to like sit around and talk shit about me the whole time? Like now that I’m not a part of the family.

And I think I had to remind myself that like they’re here to see the kids to spend time with the kids and to, you know, have some fun with them. Yeah. And I think, you know, there is in the beginning, if you’re dealing with an asshole ex-mother-in-law, there is a possibility that she might talk badly about you, but just like, that’s not a reason to keep your kids away from their parents.

If their other parent, if that person is going to speak ill of you, it’s no reason to sever a whole relationship with the grandparents. And I’ll tell you why. That grandparent is going to learn the hard way that your children cannot be around that type of negativity.

Number one, your kids are going to start to feel uncomfortable around that person and pull away. And then that person is going to realize, oh shit. Okay.

I can’t behave like an asshole. So if it takes them doing that to realize they shouldn’t be doing it, it’s not going to affect your kids long-term either way. It’s our egos that get in the way of like, what are they going to say about me? And like, what if they, a lot of it is my in-laws have so much money and I didn’t get any of it.

And they’re now going to buy my kids, all these amazing things. And I don’t want my kids having that. Why don’t you want your kids having that? Because it makes you uncomfortable or because they don’t deserve it, you know? So it’s that ego piece that you have to separate and it’s really hard to do, but it’s the same thing you got to do with your ex.

Yeah, totally. I mean, that was something that I struggled with was like you mentioned that ego aspect of it of like, oh, now they’re going to get showered with all these gifts. And like, what if they don’t want to come home to me because I didn’t give them the same gifts? And that’s where, you know, like we talk about if they’re going to get showered with all the gifts and all the trips and all the things with your ex in-laws, like good, they can have those experiences.

And you know, that’s where it comes back to being just confident and comfortable in yourself as their parent of like, you may not be giving them all of the material things this season, but you’re giving them memories and quality time together. Children never remember what they get. They remember how they’re made to feel.

So if you gave them nothing, but you filled their lives and their hearts with love and safety and security, and ex mother-in-law comes with a Mercedes Benz and talk shit about you the whole time, which one’s going to feel better for that child? I don’t have to spell that out. There’s no gift that can overshadow being made to feel uncomfortable around somebody at all. And that’s something to remember because I know that cost thing comes into play when now your lifestyle has changed and this other person still has money to blow.

And that’s, I get it. That’s a scary thing. Totally.

So I’ve gotten this question a couple of times in my DMs about, you know, I don’t know what to do. It’s my year for Christmas with the kids, but my ex’s family’s coming into town and now he wants them some of the time on Christmas. What would you say to this? I think that it comes up so often.

I know I’ve had clients that have asked me the same question. I’ve personally gone through it. I, you know, we talk so much about parenting plans, following your parenting plan.

I think that around the holidays, there is a time to be flexible as well. So like, you know, depending on what your plan says for, if you’re splitting the holiday break, you know, maybe if you’re supposed to have the first half, dad’s supposed to have the second half, but his family is coming up for the first half of break, you know, having flexibility of like, let’s swap for this year. And then also being open with your ex.

So about in the future, cause you don’t want to be that person that gets walked all over. Right. And you’re constantly making exceptions and being flexible, but not given the same in return.

Like, let’s talk about this, you know, in the future, if you’re, if your parents are going to be coming up and they’re booking flights, like let’s discuss this in the weeks or months leading up to the holidays. So we can have a plan in place and kind of be on the same page. Cause it’s best for you and for planning, but it’s really good for the kids too, to have that consistency and kind of know where they’re going to be when, but also having that experience.

I know for us, my in-laws are coming or my ex in-laws are coming up, um, for Christmas kids are with the, with dad on Christmas day. And normally I would have them the day after Christmas. And I’m like, you know what, your family’s going to be here, have that little bit of extra time with them.

And I will make it up at the end of break. So I think that’s where it’s so important to communicate with your ex, which is really hard to do in that first year or two, and everything’s still so fresh and you’re figuring everything out. But if you can just have that conversation, it can really go a long way.

Yeah. And also it can be difficult in the beginning before you’ve reached that place where you’re flexible. I mean, I’ve flexibility has always been important to me because I knew that even if I was the only one being flexible, it would inevitably soften the situation over time.

It’s like kneading dough, like keep kneading that dough. It’s going to get softer and it’s going to get easier to deal with. Um, but I understand, I can understand in the beginning when you’re, you know, everybody’s really parallel parenting in the beginning and you don’t write your emotions haven’t yet subsided and you’re like, well, why should I be this flexible? I want you to ask yourself, how would I feel if my child found out that I prevented them from seeing their grandparents, getting extra gifts? You know, someone is inevitably going to tell that kid, oh, well, you know, grandma and grandpa flew all the way in from Saskatchewan and they wanted to see you.

But mommy said, no, someone is going to say that. How would that feel for you? And I know that’s not fair. I know that’s like a guilt thing, but I never want my child to think that I am preventing her from something she can enjoy if it’s reasonable.

Like, you know, don’t take my whole break, but oh my God, take, take, take the time you need right now. And I mean, I’ve given up all of my Thanksgivings for the last couple of years, because that’s, even though it’s my favorite holiday and it’s always my birthday, it is really the only time that my ex can get up to Atlanta to see his family. And I’m not going to block that.

I’m just not. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think, like you said, you know, being flexible is so important and it kind of goes back to what we’ve said too. And what I, what I have to remind myself of a lot is holidays are in a sense, just a day on the calendar. I know for you guys, then Bella was going to be gone for Thanksgiving.

So you celebrate early, like finding that time to celebrate and maybe then there has to be flexibility with your co-parents. Like, okay, I’m going to be willing to switch some of this time, but then I’d really like to celebrate with my family that, and, you know, kind of having that flexibility on both parts can be really helpful. Yeah.

And stop focusing on what’s fair for you. If your ex is so intense on what’s fair for them, then you need to be the flexible one, because while you’re busy focusing on what’s fair for either one of you, your kids are losing out. This is already an unfair situation for your kids where they can’t be with both parents at the same time.

And so it’s on you to create a space for them that would feel a similar to their life before divorce. And if it means only you being flexible, then who about fair? There’s really, that should never be the focus. Totally.

So what else? So you’re ready to give your in-laws a big old hug is what you’re telling me. I love that your relationship has gotten better. That’s so is mine, frankly.

I think like it was one of those things where like, I almost did go into the marriage, like societally thinking like, well, you’re not supposed to like your, your mother-in-law. Like that’s what everyone, that’s what movies tell you. That’s what TV shows tell you.

So I was like, well, I guess I shouldn’t like her, you know? And we didn’t have this close relationship. And then it took a lot of self-work and a lot of stuff that I had to do on my own to be like, these two people, we might not have a lot in common. We might have completely different personalities, outlooks on life, whatever.

But like, I can see that they love and adore Holden and Sawyer more than anything. And that’s what matters. They want what’s best for them.

They want to make them feel loved and special and cared for. So I can put any kind of feelings I have aside for them and just send them the pictures, the first day of school pictures or pictures on their birthdays or things like that. And really, you know, have that relationship with them.

Are we going to like sit down and go to dinner when they’re in town? No, but like I can sit and have a five or 10 minute conversation about what’s going on in my life and what’s going on in their life when they’re here visiting. And that’s so important for the kids to too, because they aren’t grandparents that they’re seeing on a weekly basis or a monthly basis. So for them to know that when they’re going to spend the weekend or a long stretch of time at Dad’s with their grandparents that I, you know, I know them, I respect them.

I care for them too. It goes a long way. Yeah, I agree.

And so another question I get is should I buy my exes a present, my ex-in-laws a present from the kids? How do you feel about that? There’s no right or wrong answer here. Yeah. You know, for us, I think I was the gift buyer in our marriage, but it was, that was one of those things that that was kind of a boundary for me after the divorce.

I’m like, listen, if you want to get your parents or the kids want to get your parents a gift for birthdays or holidays, like that’s going to be on you. But that being said, if we were out shopping and one of my kids was like, Oh, you know, grandma really likes this. Like, yeah, I’ll get it for her and I’ll wrap it and send it along with them.

Cause if they’re asking you for it, that’s something that’s really important. And they’re going to remember that they’re going to remember that feeling that they got when they picked out that gift. And then when they saw grandma’s face, when she opened it.

So, you know, I think I’ve been in both situations. Would I prefer that their dad is the one buying the gifts for his parents? Yes. But I’m not going to be like, no, if we’re in the middle of target and Holden sees a necklace that he thinks his grandma’s really going to like.

Yeah. I do think, you know, if it’s, if it’s a birthday, if it’s like, I’m always going to have, if Bella’s not with her dad on my ex mother-in-law’s birthday, I’m going to make sure that Bella’s calling her. Do you need to send a gift? I mean, I don’t think you definitely need to.

I think the, the objective is to acknowledge it. Um, but I will say that, you know, so this year Bella went to Thanksgiving in Atlanta and she was with her grandparents and her cousin and had the best time. And she had mentioned to me on the phone when we were FaceTiming that, um, her grandma liked the bracelet that I got Bella.

And I have one and Bella has one, and my mom has one. And I got one for Lindsay, my, you know, my ex’s girlfriend. And I’m like, you know what it’s I’m going to send her a bracelet.

Like she deserves a fricking bracelet. And so I ordered one and I had it sent to her and she was like, let me Venmo you. I’m like, no, like happy birthday, happy holidays for me and Bella enjoy.

And I had never done that before. And so Bella, I guess, didn’t realize I was doing that when she was like, did you know, Nan, I got the same bracelet as us. I’m like, yeah, I sent it to her, babe.

She was like, mom, you’re the best. And I’m like, it’s, it’s the right thing to do, baby. When somebody has something to celebrate and they mentioned that they like something you have, it’s a very nice thing to do.

So told my ex the other day, I’m like, you know, I sent your mom that bracelet. Right. And he was like, just shaking his head, laughing because that’s just my nature.

And I do it for no other reason than because I’m kind. And because I just feel this sense of obligation to keeping the unit intact for Bella and her knowing that there’s harmony between us, even when there was once discord. Totally.

Totally. Um, what else do we have to talk about with the in-laws? I think, you know, I think just kind of like you mentioned, encouraging that relationship, always showing respect. I think like you had said, the birthdays are some of those things.

I’m just like a date person. It’s just like ingrained in my brain. I remember everyone’s birthdays.

So I’m like, okay, today, you know, today’s grandpa’s birthday. Like, let’s give him a call. And like, that goes such a long way.

It does. Like it really, really does. And I think when it comes time for the holidays, and you know, you don’t necessarily have to get your in-laws a gift, but maybe you’re baking cookies with the kids on the day that they’re going to go over to their other parents’ house and you send some, some cookies along with them and, and share those with whoever’s going to be at their, at the other parents’ house.

Like just little things like that can go a long way, or maybe they make them a holiday card or something like that. Yeah. I mean, it doesn’t matter what your ex or your ex’s parents think of you at that point.

It’s all about modeling respect for your kids. And that’s something I will always do. Not because you feel like the ex-in-law deserves it, but maybe because your child deserves to see some sense of normalcy in their very unnormal world right now.

So, I mean, you don’t have to love your ex-in-laws. You don’t even have to like them, but showing that level of respect is going to earn you so many points in your child’s eyes one day when they’re all grown up. I’ve lived it.

I know it. It’s true. Yes, for sure.

Okay. So you don’t have to kiss your ex-mother-in-law under the mistletoe. No.

But you know, do something a little less intense. Yeah, for sure. And I think that, you know, there can also be like a little bit, you mentioned the nervousness of like, are they going to keep my kids away from me or whatever? But there can also be just a little bit of like an insecurity on the mother or ex-mother-in-law’s part of like, I don’t know what my role is or what I’m supposed to be doing.

So if you’re kind of being the one to, like you mentioned, extend that olive branch, then they understand like, okay, they’re going to encourage me to be involved in the kid’s life. And hopefully they give you that same olive branch and respect going forward too. I promise you it is like the golden ticket for an ex-mother-in-law in particular, who is being super salty.

When you bite the bullet and swallow your pride and you send that text message, it’s like, hey, listen, I acknowledge how shitty things are right now. And I’m so sorry for how things ended up. But at the end of the day, you are such a special and important part of these kids’ lives.

And I never want that to change. Watch the magic happen. All of a sudden, instead of siccing your ex on you, they’re going to be like calming them down because they don’t want to rock this boat.

They really love those kids and they want to be a part of their lives. I couldn’t agree more. It’s so true.

And I’ve been the one that’s like sent that text message, maybe just on a mother’s day, like happy mother’s day. You did a really great job raising your children. But a lot of the grandkids are so lucky to have you.

Just something so small really does go such a long way. I agree. Well, on that note, happy holidays to you and your ex-in-laws.

I hope there’s only minimal saltiness for you this holiday season, everybody. Me too. Yes.

And we love that you’re loving these episodes. If you have topic ideas or requests, you can always email them to us at info at momsmovingon.com. We love recording these when we find the time. And I’m going to go check on my Italian chicken soup here.

Wonderful. All right. See you next time on Mom’s Moving On, my friends.

Bye everyone.