Written by Rosalie Farnsworth

Based on the feedback I get when describing effective co-parenting strategies to newly separated parents, you’d think I had told them to swim to the moon, particularly when I suggest reframing co-parenting as an opportunity, not a burden, even in the harshest moments. 

While “opportunity” may seem like an odd designation when contrasted against the loss or overwhelming worry we’re inclined to feel during times of unwanted change, that is exactly what it is, a chance to course-correct and refine not just our family dynamic, but critical reasoning skills too. 

For most two-home families, coping with the logistics of co-parenting isn’t overly challenging, it’s coping with the irrational emotions that surface when we’re challenged that is problematic. Crude responses like rage, panic, and anxiety restrict our ability to properly intellectualize parenting struggles and meet the needs of our children which becomes the perfect set up for prolonged collateral damage. 

For example, many divorcing mothers ask me, “What if my ex-husband screws everything up? I’ve been doing the lion’s share of the work raising these kids since they were born, and now I’m supposed to trust that lying, cheating fool will know what to do?” While this question may seem rational to her, it’s very negative. Is she trying to work herself up needlessly? If so, how will that help anyone? 

A smarter approach is to dissect the question itself to identify opportunities for growth. 

1. Overcome negativity. Stop labeling your co-parent. Whether true or not, investing in name-calling will cause you to subconsciously resist seeing anything to the contrary including character improvements over time. Saving space for their possible progress shows your children how to do the same, a valuable life lesson.
2. Fact check. It’s highly unlikely that a normal parent will suddenly go off the rails and “screw everything up” or become incapable of keeping their children alive and happy; that’s irrational and might be your ego talking.
3. Gather and share information concisely. If you’ve spent years learning what makes the kids tick, why not share that information with your co-parent? Ask if he needs help or send a friendly email with important details. This way, you can “trust” that you’ve done your part to help him “know what to do” about routines, habits, dietary restrictions, clothing sizes, favorite bedtime stories, and so on. Beyond that, try offering reassurance in his capabilities or assist the kids with how to respectfully express their needs and feelings. 
4. Your co-parent is not an employee. Although many people like to think co-parenting is best when running like a business, never expect your co-parent to follow orders exactly. Again, that’s an irrational, power-hungry mentality. Be thankful your co-parent adds their own brand of spice to your child’s life. While you may not find their style adequate compared to your own glorious vision of how to parent, that doesn’t mean it’s inadequate or your kids aren’t perfectly content—remember, your ex is half of them, not half of you. 

Learning techniques to cool emotional inflammation (without pushing your feeling aside) is the first step in developing powerful skills that can guide you and your children through phases of increased stress and instability. They’ll enable you to spot opportunities to create healthy standards of communication, shore up the kid’s comfort between homes, and build confidence that might otherwise be lost to negativity, immaturity, and conflict.

— Rosalie Farnsworth is the energetic mother of three D-named children, a less-is-more professional communication strategist, and the founder of The Co-parenting Collective community which picks up where family court leaves off. She leverages decades of co-parenting experience by helping co-parents go from struggling to successful using transformative, no-nonsense techniques aimed at disrupting the narratives that keep many of them stuck in their heads and away from achieving familial integrity. Referred to by many as the “co-parenting bible”, you can discover her writing on social media (Facebook, Instagram) or tap into the assemblage of powerful resources at thecoparentingcollective.com. To contact Rosalie directly, email thecoparentingcollective@gmail.com.