Summarized Transcript of The Moving On Method

Why “Staying Married for the Kids” May Be the Wrong Choice

HOST:
You’ve heard it before—“stay married for the kids.” But today’s episode unpacks why that advice can be harmful rather than helpful. We sit down with Kristy Dyer, a co-parenting mother from upstate New York, whose lived experience as a child of divorce sheds light on how unresolved family dynamics impact future generations.

Meet the Guest: Kristy Dyer

Kristy is a co-parenting mom raising three children while breaking generational cycles. She grew up in a blended family and reflects candidly on how her parents’ choice to remain married—despite tension and emotional distance—shaped her views on parenting, partnership, and self-worth.

What Was It Like Growing Up in a Blended Family?

KRISTY (GUEST):

• Raised by her stepfather from age 3
• Biological father was inconsistent and unreliable
• Mother never bad-mouthed her biological father but validated her disappointment
• Observed emotional labor disproportionately placed on her mother

“My mom never spoke ill of my bio dad. But she validated me when he let me down—and that meant everything.”

Why Parents Stay—and What Kids Really Feel

HOST:

• Parents often stay in marriages for the “sake of the children,” assuming nuclear stability is more important than emotional health
• This can lead to long-term emotional burden, guilt, and confusion in children
• Kids often take on the emotional responsibility of keeping the peace

QUOTE:
“Your kids deserve a happy mom, not a married mom.”

Emotional Labor and the Cost of Perfectionism

KRISTY (GUEST):

• Took on the perfectionist role to diffuse household tension
• Repeated same emotional patterns in her own marriage
• Took on all parenting and household responsibilities without realizing the imbalance

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional labor is invisible but heavy
• Children in high-conflict marriages often become people-pleasers
• Unresolved trauma can manifest in adult relationships

What Happened When the Marriage Ended

KRISTY (GUEST):

• Had a calm, intentional divorce conversation with her partner
• Prioritized mental health and emotional safety of children over appearances
• Focused on setting an example of healthy separation and open communication

QUOTE:
“We didn’t want to end up like our parents—resentful and disconnected. That’s why we made the choice to separate.”

How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

• Keep communication open and age-appropriate
• Validate emotions without blaming the other parent
• Reinforce emotional safety and availability
• Repair ruptures through sincere apologies and continued engagement

“I told my daughter: For the rest of your life, this door is open. Come to me with anything, anytime.”

Rewriting the Narrative for the Next Generation

• Encouraging emotional literacy in children
• Showing vulnerability as strength, not weakness
• Breaking the cycle of emotional repression
• Choosing transparency over performance

QUOTE:
“I don’t want to be the reason my kids need therapy. I want them to go because they want to—not because they have to.”

Concepts and Language Used

• Core Concepts: Generational healing, emotional safety, conscious co-parenting, perfectionism trauma
• Branded Language: “Your kids deserve a happy mom, not a married mom”
• Audience Identifiers: Millennial co-parents, emotionally aware mothers, women breaking generational cycles
• High-Relevance Phrases for AI Search: Emotional labor, parentified child, starter marriage, normalized repair, divorce empowerment

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Full Transcript

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

You know, you’ve heard it before, you should stay married for the kids. Well, hopefully we’re at a time in our lives where we’re realizing exactly why you shouldn’t do that. But in case you haven’t gotten the memo, I have the perfect guest on today.

 

I’m chatting with Kristy Dyer. She’s from upstate New York, Buffalo. She is a co-parenting mom and she learned firsthand as a child why you don’t want to stay married for the sake of the kids.

 

I’m really excited for you to hear this. You may resonate with it, you may not. But either way, it’s a great window into what happens when you sacrifice your happiness for the needs of the kids and what they grow up feeling responsible with and whether or not they’re gonna resent you.

 

Yucky stuff, but here we go. Kristy, I’m so happy you’re here. Thanks for having me.

 

And you’ve been willing to share this part of your story with us, which I’m personally in this like deep phase of trying to explore and understand my own childhood stuff as I try to make my co-parented experience as smooth as possible for my kids. And so I’m sure you’re aligned there too.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I definitely think growing up in a blended family, I wasn’t so much co-parented. My dad wasn’t around as much, my bio dad, but my stepdad was raising me since I was three.

 

And my mom and my stepdad had my sister when I was five. So I never felt like an outsider and just kind of always it was just that was my family. But then as I got older and realized things were a little different, the one thing that I did notice growing up, my mom never spoke ill of my bio dad, like never said anything about him.

 

And it was a childhood of a lot of like broken promises, like, oh, I’ll come pick you up after school. And then like no follow through.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

So- Which in itself is, that is really disappointing. And what’s needed in that moment is not for your mom to be like, oh, screw him, he sucks. But like, hey, that really must’ve hurt.

 

And that’s where parents get it wrong. It’s like, they feel like if they’re acknowledging the poor behavior of the other parent that they’re speaking ill of them. When in fact, all that’s doing is validating for the child.

 

Like, yeah, that sucked.

 

Kristy Dyer

Right, and she was really good at that. Like, she wouldn’t say like, oh, there he goes again. It was always just like, well, that sucks.

 

What can we do instead? And usually it ended up, I got to go stay with my best friend. So it always kind of had like a positive spin on it.

 

And I give her a lot of credit for that because it must’ve been hard. Like, I hate seeing my kids disappointed and it’s like, it breaks my heart if they want to be able to do something and can’t or whatever. Even if it’s something that I say no to, I still feel bad about it.

 

But it’s something that my mom definitely got right as far as raising me with essentially two dads. One that was very consistently there and the other one that was very consistently not.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

Yeah, and I mean, totally feel that. My stepdad, as you know, obviously ended up becoming my consistent because my bio dad was not that. But unfortunately for all of the things our parents may have done right, like we’re here to talk about the fact that some of the things were not so good and impacted us in ways that we wish they wouldn’t have had to.

 

For example, like staying together for the sake of the kids. Tell us about that experience for you.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, so it’s interesting because my mom and bio dad did get divorced, but I was so young, I don’t have any memory of it. My mom and my stepdad have been amazing. They’ve been consistent, they’ve been supportive, they’ve been safe.

 

But the relationship that I saw growing up was one that I was always a little confused by. It just seemed a little one-sided and now as a co-parent and I have pseudo stepdaughters with my partner, you know, I get the dynamic is different. It’s hard to know like where that boundary is, especially when you come into their life so when they’re so young, the kids are so young, you know, do you do the discipline?

 

Do you make the big decisions? Do you do these things? And I feel like it was a very hands-off approach for my stepdad, even though he was supportive of me and, you know, everything that I was involved in, my mom did everything.

 

And I saw the stress that it caused her and saw the toll that it took on their marriage. And, you know, I think she struggled a lot with it once my sister and I graduated, you know, and moved out and were in college. And then even after college, she was just like, now what?

 

There’s nobody here, there’s nothing to do. And, you know, it was this kind of void and then they, you know, the two of them looked at each other like, well, who are you? What do we do now, you know?

 

And I think so much of their lives focused on my sister and specifically my mom focused on my sister and I that she didn’t make time for her marriage.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

And I’m not saying this as like a negative thing about her, it’s just- It’s not, I think it’s actually more common than people realize when there are children involved and children to care for, it’s very easy to say, but to overlook the problems in a marriage because you’re like, whatever, I’m just gonna focus on the kids and I’ll deal with that another day. And then that day comes.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, I mean, they are still together and I mean, it’s, they’re going on almost 40 years now that they’ve been married, but I saw a lot of the struggles and I, you know, I do remember my mom taking a step back and like essentially moving out for a little while. And- While you were still a child or after?

 

No, I was, I had moved out and I have to apologize because I don’t know if this is like a coping mechanism that I developed at a young age. I block things out, especially negative things. And I just don’t remember them and I don’t remember where they fit in the timeline, but it was after I had moved out and my ex-husband actually just reminded me of this, that my mom had moved out of the house for a while.

 

And I do think I was married at the time, but I don’t think I had had my daughter yet. So it was probably within like the four or five years from when I had first gotten married to when I had my first kid. And she was really struggling with, you know, my sister was still in college at the time, but she wasn’t living at home.

 

She was taking care of her father. And that was a big, it was a big job. I mean, he was quadriplegic and needed around the clock care.

 

So she was doing a lot of that while working full time. And she just, I think had hit a breaking point. And I do wonder now if she kind of looks back on that and wishes that she had maybe followed through with it.

 

Because she does say, I mean, she’s, it’s funny because like she says she’s proud of me for my divorce and I’m like, well, I mean, I guess, like, I don’t know if I would consider it like that.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

It’s also a reflection to her of what she probably knows she could have done and should have done, but didn’t want to have to do twice because you guys had already, or you had already been through it.

 

Kristy Dyer

Right, and I think, you know, and yeah, at that point they had already been together over 20 years. So it’s like, you know, everything is so enmeshed and how do you untangle everything at that point, I think.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

1000%, and so, you know, the question then is like, yes, we stayed together for the kids, but what we didn’t think about, and this is where people approach me all the time to tell me like, oh, I’m not divorced, but my parents are and they waited until I was out of the house. And I wish I would have, I wish they would have done it sooner because that messed me up so much that they stayed together for my sake. Right.

 

And so then the question becomes, we’re so focused on thinking children need this semblance of nuclear family, why aren’t we looking at what happens within that and if it’s going to affect them more than if we split up? Right. So what were some of the effects that you feel like you now are burdened with that you have to unravel that maybe led to your own divorce?

 

Kristy Dyer

Well, I think that was, I was, yeah, I kind of was gonna say exactly that. Like, I think, you know, especially once we had kids, it was, I just took on everything because that was what I had seen. That was the model that I had seen and to my ex’s credit or whatever, I guess like that’s kind of what he saw too.

 

You know, he didn’t really know any different. So his, you know, his mom took care of him and his four siblings and his dad worked on their dairy farm and that was, you know, kind of like, this side of the road is yours, this side of the road is mine. And that was what my mom did too.

 

So I just kind of fell into that role almost like unconsciously, like didn’t really have that discussion. I mean, we did talk about like, you know, he, my ex had said like, I’m not gonna miss my kids things. Like my, you know, his dad wasn’t able to come watch a lot of his events and things cause he was working, you know, it’s a 24 seven job.

 

And, you know, he said that, you know, I’m not gonna miss my kids things. I’m gonna make sure I’m there. And he was for the most part, but it was all of the little thing, you know, the doctor’s appointments, the birthday parties, the Christmas gifts, the just everything day to day, little and big things too, you know, like just what kind of car we were gonna buy or where we were gonna go on vacation.

 

It was like all of these things, all of these decisions just felt like they kept piling on me and I didn’t really recognize it until it was too late. And, you know, things just, they kind of get away from you before you realize it’s happening. So then turning it around was like, it’s going too fast at that point.

 

It’s like a runaway train, you can’t stop it.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

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How did that affect you as an adult?

 

Kristy Dyer

I mean, I think a lot of it when I was younger was just seeing the tension between my parents. I kind of wanted to be perfect and be a people pleaser to ease that tension or to be like, hey, look over here. This is a good thing that I did and make them both proud of me so it would distract from whatever they were arguing about.

 

A lot, yeah. Yeah, so, and then that just carried into my first marriage. It was like the same thing.

 

Like I would make a meal and I’d be like, see, I did this great thing, or I got the kids, you know, the kids were bathed and fed and in bed and I did it all by myself. Can’t you recognize, you know, like, and it was to try to keep the peace and keep things, you know, even and.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

You took on that role of like, I can make things right here. Just focus on what I can do well. And that conditions you to believe that you always have to be doing things right, which is such an unfair position to take as a child.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, and it was, I don’t think it was ever like expressly said. You know, my parents never said like, we expect you to be, you know, getting all A’s or we expect you to get a scholarship to college or whatever, you know, never like we expect it, but it was always like this kind of undertone of like, well, that’s what you should be doing. Like it wasn’t like an actual, like you’ll get in trouble if you don’t, but it was just like, come home with, you know, the highest GPA in my class.

 

It was just like, okay, good.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

I had a client recently who was telling me a story about how when her daughter comes home with a good grade, like she celebrates it, like, you know, like amazing. I’m so proud of your effort. How proud of yourself do you feel?

 

And, you know, she told her daughter just to keep things like, you know, positive, FaceTime dad and tell him about your good grade. And his response was, okay, well, you should be doing that. Like, yeah.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, and I see that too a little bit with my kids. Like I have a 15-year-old, so she’s in 10th grade, 12-year-old in sixth grade, and an eight-year-old in third grade. And so girl, boy, girl.

 

And my son is a little, he’s a 12-year-old boy. He’s a little squirrely, you know, and he likes to be the class clown and, you know, say things and do things just to get people to, you know, have a good time. And his teacher will just put that in the comments.

 

It’s never anything that warrants a phone call home, but puts it in the comments. And that’s the thing that gets focused on from my, yeah, you know, my ex. And I’m just like, hey, look, I said to him one time, I said, you got all these like really good grades and you were being kind of silly.

 

Like imagine, you know, how great you could do if you were, you know, even more focused. I said, you know, I’m glad that you did so well. I’m glad that you’re like, that proves how smart you actually are.

 

I said, but there’s a time and a place. So let’s make sure we’re doing things in, you know, recess and lunchtime and gym class, even whatever. But just you’re old enough to understand that this is, you know, there’s an appropriate time and place.

 

And because I started to say, but he goes, but, and I’m like, okay, you got great grades and you’re silly.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

Yeah. Right, the duality, right. And that’s, what’s taken away from us as children who grew up in these homes where they either feel parentified and obligated to fix the relationship for their parents, because their parents are too stubborn to walk away from each other and give the children a reprieve, right.

 

But we don’t know what we don’t know. And I think we are the first generation who is finally wrapped our heads around the fact that like, you can’t stay together for the kids if it’s gonna put more stress on the kids.

 

Kristy Dyer

Right, and I’ve had conversations with even some of my friends that are going through some, either a divorce or rough patches or whatever. And I’m like, your kids deserve a happy mom, not a married mom. That’s not, I know you say it all the time and maybe it’s like, I just like, I’m regurgitating it.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

I wish I trademarked that quote, because honestly, it is so true.

 

Kristy Dyer

But it’s funny the amount of women that haven’t heard it. And I’ve even said it to my ex too. I’ve had people, it triggers too.

 

That comment triggers a lot of people. Well, and it’s funny because my ex and I stayed together for a long time and tried to make it work. And we finally did look at each other and say like, we don’t wanna end up like our parents.

 

Ending the cycle. Yes, I mean, literally, we said it. And like, we had a very calm, rational conversation about it but it was years of trying couples therapy and individual therapy and just constant communication.

 

And we were going around the same merry-go-round. And so we finally said that and we’ve said it over and over to each other. Like the situation wasn’t good for either one of us but it really wasn’t good for our kids.

 

They were so young, but they could feel the tension. Like they just pick up on that vibe in the home and it’s not fair to them. They don’t deserve to live that life that we created.

 

So, you know, I think that was, you know, he has four siblings that have all been married and divorced and they’re all remarried. But it was like this big shameful thing at first in the family. And then it’s just like, but is it worth it to stay in a position where you’re so miserable, you’re making your kids miserable like that?

 

You can’t, or you’re making your kids overcompensate to try to make sure that you’re at least happy with them. You know, because when you’re little, you think, is it my fault? Like, I don’t know, did I do this?

 

So, you know, it’s tough. Like I said, my parents were so supportive and they did, you know, my sister and I have, you know, not to like pat myself on the back, we turned out pretty good, you know, like she’s, we both have doctorates and we’ve been, you know, like successful in our careers and we have healthy, beautiful children and good relationships with our parents still, you know, and good relationships with each other.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

And, you know, so- Let me point out that duality. You got divorced and have healthy relationships with your kids and, and, and, and. Yeah.

 

That’s why, you know, people need to recognize that divorce doesn’t just shut down all the good- Right. That can come in life.

 

Kristy Dyer

Right, and that’s, and I think, I don’t know if it’s maybe a generational thing too, they look at it more as like a moral failing. Oh yeah. You know, I think that it’s- Yeah, and whereas I think I said to somebody the other day, I’m like, I feel like we should all have, you know, like a starter home.

 

We should have a starter marriage.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

You know, I mean, like, like just be married for a couple of years, one to five. It should be after college, you spend a year, like people take a gap year for college, a gap year and spend it married to someone. Yeah, like fully married, do the whole thing.

 

Let’s start that.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, I really do. I mean, I, I like, I think that because when, when you do that, you really kind of narrow in on what you want, but more specifically what you don’t want. And I think that’s the thing that I gained from my parents staying together was I, I don’t want that.

 

I don’t want to be in a position in my 50s or 60s where I can’t take a vacation that I wanna take because we have to do what he wants because we’ve always done what he wants or vice versa. I, you know, I, I just don’t think you really, especially when, I mean, I got married so young the first time, like when you do get married in your early or mid or even late 20s, you’re not like a fully formed adult yet.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

You’re not, you don’t know what- You don’t have to rent a car on your own until you’re 25. You can get married at 18. Yeah.

 

Like, make that make sense. Yeah. Well, it seems like from everything you’re telling me, you have maybe even unintentionally broken these cycles because I think, unfortunately, it takes having to go through the shit and the hard stuff to know that there’s even a cycle that needs to be broken, but that’s why we become powerful.

 

We’re able to recognize that we can do better for our kids. That is fun for us.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, and I, I even said it to my daughter the other day. Like, I think, again, I think the generational thing is like the, you know, the boomers, you don’t talk about emotions. You don’t, especially if it’s negative.

 

It is off limits. Leave that under the rug. Yeah, exactly.

 

And, and they might go to their own therapy, but they’re not going to come back and use those strategies. They’re just going to deal with it on their own. And it’s like, well, okay, that’s good.

 

But, and I said to my daughter, like, I want to have a better relationship with you than I’ve had with my mother. I love my mom, but we can’t talk about anything serious. We can’t talk about anything that’s uncomfortable.

 

She just shuts down and that’s the way she was raised. And that’s not her fault either.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

But I- What are some ways that you encourage your daughter to open up to you so that you’re not replicating what your mom- I just, I said to her, I said, you know, and she’s 15.

 

Kristy Dyer

So she don’t want to talk about anything with me. So I don’t know anything, of course.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

But- That’ll last like another year or two from my personal experience and they come around again.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah, and that’s what I’ve heard. And I just, I, she goes, well, I don’t have anything. I don’t have anything I want to talk to you about.

 

I said, I’m not saying today. I’m not saying next month, next year. I said, I am saying for the rest of your life, this door is open.

 

I don’t care if you think I’m not going to like it. I don’t care if you think that it’s uncomfortable or mean or whatever. I need you to know that you can come to me and talk to me about anything.

 

And I’m going to listen. And if you need me to help you, I’ll help you. If you need me to just be a sounding board, then that’s what I’ll do.

 

But I want that door always open for the rest of your life. You come to me with anything, anytime. And she just, she didn’t say anything after that, you know, but it was just like, I mean, that’s- And reinforcing it.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

And also, you know, I always say, we can tell our kids stuff, but if our actions aren’t matching our words, then what good is it? Constantly reminding them when they do tell us something like, wow, that was really brave of you to tell me that. Right.

 

Some kids might be scared to tell parents those things.

 

Kristy Dyer

Yeah.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

I’m so proud that you told me. And remembering to like hold the judgment, you know? Yeah.

 

Kristy Dyer

And I think, I mean, unfortunately, she’s the oldest daughter, just like I was. And I do tell her that all the time. I said, you got the short end of the stick.

 

I said, you’re the oldest. So you paved the way. I said, I have no idea what I’m doing.

 

I’m doing it for the first time with you. I said, by the time I get to your little sister, I’ll have at least a better idea of what I’m supposed to be doing. Right, start a marriage, start our kid.

 

Right, exactly. I said, but I understand in your position because I was in that position. I was the older sister.

 

I was the oldest cousin. I mean, and I grew up very close with my whole family. So I was the first one to go through all of these things.

 

I said, I understand the position that you’re in. So if I, you know, overreact to something unnecessarily, I’m gonna come and apologize. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve apologized to her.

 

Cause I’m just like, I handled that like a jerk. I did not. That’s so important, that repair.

 

Yeah. And I think she’s probably tired of hearing me say, I’m sorry, I messed up again. But I’m like, I’m gonna recognize, I’m gonna acknowledge the fact that like I, my bad.

 

Like I made a mistake.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

That’s all a parenting, right? When they’re young, it’s like, they’re not gonna appreciate it now. They won’t have to recover from it later.

 

Kristy Dyer

And that’s, I guess that’s kind of my ultimate goal with all three of them is, I want them to enjoy their childhood. I want them to have, you know, everything as normal as possible as if nothing had happened. As if we, you know, I mean, they’re hoping.

 

On the Children’s Bill of Rights. Yeah. And then I wanna set them up to be, you know, mentally healthy, functioning, productive members of society.

 

And I don’t want them to have to need therapy. If they wanna go, great. You know, like, just like you should, you know, go to the gym or take a walk or whatever.

 

Like, if you wanna do that for your own mental fitness, then great. But I don’t wanna be the cause of it. I just, you know, and that’s kind of, you know, I think part of the reason that their dad and I really did sit down and just say, we can’t keep doing this to each other, but ultimately to them.

 

Like they’re the most important three people within this family unit. We need to do what’s best for them. And staying married wasn’t it?

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

Well, I mean, absolutely. And I’m so honored that you shared this story with us. And before we go, I’m wondering if there was, let’s say a good friend of yours who walked up to you one day and said, Chrissy, do you think I should stay married for the kids?

 

Why or why not? What would you say?

 

Kristy Dyer

I did actually just have a friend ask me about this. And she has a really young kid. And I said, well, you have to look at the whole situation.

 

I mean, for women, I think we have to try everything. We have to know that we’ve exhausted all possibilities before we, you know, finally make that decision. But when we do make that decision, we’ve kind of already grieved the marriage.

 

So if it’s a thought in your mind, you need to discuss it with your partner. You need to bring it to their attention. And if they’re not willing to have an open and honest conversation about it, then that’s probably your answer.

 

And then that’s when, I think that’s when I said, your son deserves a happy mom, not a married mom.

 

Michelle Dempsey-Multack

Boom, that’s it. To everybody listening, it’s not an easy decision to make. The advice is perfect.

 

You wanna lay your head down on your pillow at night knowing you’ve tried anything and everything to make it work and then tried one more time. But ultimately the question becomes, would I want my child or children to be in this kind of relationship one day? And that will give you all the answers you need.

 

For all of you listening, thank you so much for being here. If you are ready to take the next step, you can reach out to info at momsmovingon.com to ask us about how you and I can work together so I can hold your hand through that part. Or you can check out our courses page where I have prerecorded information to help you get through the first steps of leaving said marriage and so much more.

 

Kristy, you’re a gem. We so appreciate your time with us. And for everyone listening, thanks for being here on The Moving On Method.

 

Kristy Dyer

Thanks for having me.