Written by Dr. Ilene Cohen, P.h.D.

 How to navigate leaving a relationship, learning to put yourself first, and overcoming the anxiety that comes with it 

You feel stuck in a life that doesn’t exactly fit who you are. You try every which way to make it work, like that time you tried to shove your body into your favorite pre-pregnancy jeans. No matter how much you squeeze or how hard you tug, things just don’t fit like they used to. Too much has happened; so much has changed. You decide you’d like a new pair of jeans, to go with your new body, instead of starving yourself to fit into some societal notion of how you’re supposed to look after having a baby. However, it’s still hard to accept that you’ve changed. You wonder if maybe others will see you as someone who’s just given up. The idea that others will judge your life choices is enough to keep you starving in skinny jeans that no longer define who you really are.

You ask yourself:  How can I place my ideas first, and allow the voices of others to quietly fade into the background? How can I overcome the anxiety that holds me prisoner in a life that’s not for me? How do I decide that it’s time to move on? As you answer these questions, you decide that although it isn’t easy to make changes, it’s your life, your family, your body, your soul. And no one else but you has authority over that. I know; it’s definitely easier said than done. 

We’re all connected to our family and friends by something called emotional fusion, our natural pull to be accepted by the groups we’re part of. If you’re married with children, it’s a lot harder to move on than it is to throw away an old pair of jeans. You aren’t only thinking about yourself, but your child or children, family and friends. There’s a lot to consider; the decision to leave a relationship should never be taken lightly. And for anyone in this position, feeling stuck and anxious is only natural; either way you decide to go, there will be heartache and pain. There’s no clear and happy path. However, when navigating such uncharted waters, I encourage you to look within yourself, and work towards a life that will create more options for you and your family down the road. Find a way to bring your thoughts and ideas of what is best for you and your family to the forefront. Take your time to manage your anxiety around the what-ifs, and come up with a plan that can serve as a roadmap to a life you prefer to live. If you’ve already made the decision to move on and leave a marriage or relationship, remember that it’s okay to feel shaky, but that we don’t grow and mature when we stay in our comfort zone. 

It’s when we’re faced with challenges that we become who we want to be. When we’re faced with opposing views and a constant pull in another direction, we get a chance to stick with our own voice and become the kind of person who puts themselves first. 

So if these words speak to you, remember that you will overcome the anxiety you feel when you have your own back and know you can rely on the only person who matters when making major decisions: YOU.