Written by Jenny Pareja

Summers are meant for planning family trips to amusement parks or outdoor activities with loved ones; yet, I found myself reading a message one Monday morning that would change the course of my entire life. At the age of 32, I would be part of the single parent population. The father of my children and I called it quits after 12 years of being together. We never eloped but we did share two beautiful children. Surprisingly enough, we were here before; however, the temporary separation had occurred 9 years ago and we didn’t have any children at the time. This meant I would have to interact with this person for the rest of my life. A person for whom I still had strong feelings for but the circumstances would not allow for us to repair our relationship any longer. As I read his words from the blue I-message bubble, my eyes began to flood with heavy tears and my heart began to sink in. The weight I felt was so heavy that I knelt down on my knees and bowed my head. I prayed to God for strength as I knew this would be a difficult season in which I would have to walk through.

The first few weeks of our separation consisted of no communication whatsoever. We lived under the same roof for two months, as the house that I would be moving to with my children was not ready for us to move into. These two months were torture for me because I felt like I couldn’t start my healing process. I still loved him and having to see him every day was only making the situation worst. Going to work was an escape from my reality at home because I had a routine in which I would sit in my cubicle, work and let my mind drift away with sermons from very amazing pastors like Toure Roberts, Sarah J. Roberts, Michael Todd, and Steven Furtick to name a few. As I listened to their sermons day in and day out, it soothed my soul and my mind. They helped me strive for a better day and a better feeling. I didn’t feel like myself as I was usually a joyful and happy person before the separation but this time I felt lost and confused. I felt like I had been pushed into a bottomless pit with nothing to grasp unto. 

During this time of separation and phase in my life, the more and more I watched these sermons and read God’s word; the more I felt that my mind was being renewed in a way that I had never experienced before. Destiny was separating me from things and people that would no longer be connected to me and I had an appointment to meet. I felt a huge sense of discomfort during the first weeks and months but I decided that I would push through the pain and the discomfort because I wasn’t going back to the old me. I was tired of putting up with actions and situations that I didn’t have to put up with. I knew I deserved better and I knew that God had placed me in this situation for a reason so I started taking steps towards my purpose and sat alone in my own pain because the only way through is THROUGH.

In my testimony, I share my healing process which I relate it to a flight of stairs. We start at the very bottom and take steps upwards in hopes of reaching joy, excellence and our destination. With my testimony, I hope to inspire women to choose God’s path and help navigate kingdoms hidden in the wilderness. The pain is scary and but I promise that the breakthrough is worth it. Embrace this tight space that you are in and follow my steps. I promise you that you will LIVE and you will make it to the other side. 

Flight One: Renew your mind (Radically)

It had only been a month and by this time, I was out of breath from hyperventilating each time I had mini anxiety attacks at my work desk. No one knew what I was going through at work. I was dying inside. I couldn’t work or think about anything else except my situation back at home. Thoughts of everything that could go wrong in my life were spinning inside of my head. No matter how hard I tried to get my ex-fiance out of my mind, he would end up back in it. I couldn’t escape this feeling of being sad and depressed. I couldn’t see a way out but each time, I looked at my children, I found strength to push through the day and get up from bed to do it all over again.

During this time, I knew I was very vulnerable and had to be careful with whom I surrounded myself with, what I listened to, and what material I was feeding my mind. So I deleted all of social media from my phone, I changed my playlist to full gospel music and tuned into every sermon from my favorite pastors online. This helped me stay focused on positive thoughts and helped me get through the days. I also surrounded myself with people who would keep me on the right path, on God’s path so I joined bible study groups and community groups at church which I had never done before. I didn’t even own a bible but God’s power was flowing through me and I couldn’t allow anything to dilute it. 

Sometimes the situation that we’re pointing at, is trying to alert us that there is a system within ourselves that God wants to deal with. I felt as distorted as an undeveloped photo in a dark room but I knew that I had to be patient because the process would take time. I was in the process of being developed. 

During this time, as humans, we may feel the need to find validation from someone else or something else. We feel the need to turn to another bad relationship to make us feel better about ourselves because we want to get out of the feeling of unworthiness and rejection. Some of us may even turn to substances such as drugs or alcohol to numb the pain but all of these things will only make the healing process worst. I stayed away from it all. I was fully committed to doing it the right way this time and stuck through it. No matter how rough and lonely the days or nights were, I sat in my pain and slowly untangled the roots of toxic thoughts and habits that I had developed over the years. God forced me into stillness and I wasn’t going to resist. I was also learning the power of being alone with my own pain and it didn’t feel good but I knew there was a change taking place within me, a radical change. 

During this time, don’t let anyone or anything distract you from your decision to change for the better. Make the decision to look forward and no longer look back. You have to have a hunger for God like never before. Qualify your circle and keep it tight. Even if your circle only involves, you and God. Preserve your integrity and remember what you stand for. Don’t let society make you want to fit in so bad that you lose yourself in the process. 

During the first flight, you might lose weight, you might gain weight, you might look a total mess but that’s ok because the focus is to renew your mind FIRST. We will get to the outside appearance at a different flight. Healing starts inward and then leads outward.

Be patient with yourself and give yourself daily affirmations. I know this may sound cliché but it works! Remind yourself that you are strong, remind yourself that you are beautiful, remind yourself that God has pulled you through other situations in your lifetime and he WILL pull you through this one as well. God is walking hand in hand with you. During flight one, our main objective is to reach inner peace which can be found in flight two; therefore, set your intentions and strive to reach for it. 

The best way I found to reach for inner peace was to start with gratitude. Although things were not going my way, as soon as I opened my eyes each morning, I quickly searched of something to be thankful for. This kept my mind from wondering off into dark thoughts and getting trapped into my physical reality which I was facing at the time. I would thank God for giving me breath that morning, I would thank God for waking me up next to my children, I would thank him for anything in which I was genuinely grateful for and this helped me to keep my focus on healing and moving forward. Remember that what you magnify, you get more of. 

You must be still enough in this season to hear God speak. Tune out all of the distractions around you and tune into God’s voice. At times I felt like my children’s father was ahead of me in every way and I felt like I needed to move but God constantly pulled me back and told me to sit still. I knew that I had provision and protection over me so I did as he ordered. I sat still and didn’t feel the need to compete with anyone or anything. I knew my worth and I was not going to lower my standards. Don’t feel the need to promote yourself, God will promote you. Be positioned for God’s miracle. I always felt the need to be in control of a lot of things and during this time, I learned to surrender which leads us to flight two. 

Flight Two: Surrender and let God fill your heart with peace

So we reached flight two and some of us may have to take a sip of water or sit down for a little bit to catch a breath because flight one was rough and that is OK! Remember to take your time and be patient with yourself. You may feel times where you want to go back to the old you and to your old ways but it is all part of the process. In the wilderness even Jesus got tempted to turn stones into bread. Don’t do it! Keep your focus and push through. During flight two, we surrender to God’s will and we allow him to break us in order to make us whole. Surrender entirely. Continue to elevate your mind with God’s word and continue to elevate your soul by surrounding yourself with Godly people or Godly things. 

During this time I continued to listen to my favorite pastors more fervently. I couldn’t get enough of his word and this was helping me find peace within. My world had been turned upside down but his word kept me rooted. Remind yourself that all things are working for the good. I cried every day but I kept worshipping God. Every day I prayed for strength and healing. I prayed that he would help me deal with my heavy heart and he did. Each day, I felt my heart a little lighter. The difference wasn’t drastic but I knew I was slightly progressing and that was enough for me to stick through it. 

Remind yourself that in your authenticity, you are enough. You weren’t made to fit in. Let God fill in every cell of your body. Fully emerge yourself in his word and you will find peace. The world can be falling all around you but he is enough and you are enough. 

During the surrender process, you can expect to develop into a distinctive entity. You may not feel comfortable in your own body or mind but it is normal so just be flexible. Wait for confirmation and don’t get comfortable as you are transitioning. During flight two, we also learn to control our emotions. Master your emotions with peace. It is your decision to get into that word.

Surrender to the re-structure and don’t lose your mind in the restructuring. Don’t give up. Be surrendered enough to understand his timing. God is not done with your story. Become the best version of you. There are stories inside of you that need to be told. 

During the surrendering process, I battled with deciding to share my story. I knew I had a story to tell and God was forcing me to finally share it with the world. I felt like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Gethsemane was the garden at the foot of the Mount of Olives in Jerusalem where, according to the four Gospels of the New Testament, Jesus underwent the agony in the garden and was arrested the night before his crucifixion. Gethsemane was a pressing place. I was at a place of great mental and emotional suffering but it is needed. We all go through the garden of Gethsemane before we get to the other side. Judas betrayed Jesus and led to his capture in the garden of Gethsemane. We all need a Judas in our lives. Judas represents disappointment and “Almost” and if you’re not careful, you will allow you’re almost to keep you from your upmost. Expect the unexpected. During my surrender, I decided to fight a generational curse. This was a fight I couldn’t lose to. A fight I did not choose but if I didn’t do it, my children would have to go through it. Decide today that you will win this battle. Even if it isn’t for you, do it for your loved one(s) and the generations to come after you.  Be the one to break the generational curse. 

Flight three: Endure the darkness

In flight three we start to hear God more clearly. Listen to what he has called you to do. Why do you have breath in your lungs? It’s certainly not to be on social media and simply look pretty or go to the gym and look good. The kingdom requires more from you. The disruption in your life was done on purpose. Don’t allow the changes in your life to paralyze you. Rise up and step into your purpose. How can you uplift another life? What are you good at? Start to brainstorm on the gifts you have right now. 

The past had great memories. The past also had not so great memories but our goal is not to walk backwards. Our goal is to reach the kingdom. When they walked away, I only had one choice which was to create. During flight three, we start to move forward with God but sometimes the door to the promise land only has room for you and God. 

One of the things I recall my ex telling me was that he couldn’t be with me because I had a big heart and felt that I did not place our immediate family first as I cared for my grandparents as well. Those words stuck with me and I couldn’t understand the negatives of having a big heart. Was I wrong for caring too much? Maybe; however, that was the gift God had given me and I had no choice but to embrace it so I signed up to be a guardian ad litem for a nearby county. I put my big heart to use and it was much appreciated by the organization. What I’m saying is, if you are not being valued by someone, don’t settle and don’t beg for them to love you. Love yourself enough and be willing to walk away. I promise, you will be valued elsewhere. 

Flight three is a little dark and that is because God has you hidden. You’re going to hear, before you see during the dry season. You must fight against longing for the past because to reach your purpose, your past must be released. In this season, you are being transformed into a masterpiece. Consider yourself a caterpillar in a cocoon, waiting to grow your wings and turn into a butterfly. The cocoon is dark and the caterpillar is positioned in an awkward position but the caterpillar knows it is temporary until the process is over. Allow the darkness to mold you into something new. 

I struggled a lot in flight three because I was so attached to the past and I did not want to let it go. I did not want to let go of the good memories or even the bad memories. I would replay scenarios in my mind of past experiences and it would bring me back to where I started. Don’t let this happen to you. You may also struggle with it a bit but try your best to improve and master the skill of letting go. Some things that will keep you in the past are old pictures saved in your phone. Don’t look at them. Old messages, delete them. Friends that are in the same place you left them, you will need to start making the effort to move forward and past these things. As you travel the road to greater self-awareness, be prepared to meet a new version of yourself. 

Flight Four: Spread your wings and change the narrative to your story

We have now reached flight four and I am so eager to share with you the great news! We got through it! In the spiritual realm, the number four is a number of “being”, it is the number that connects mind, body, and spirit with the physical world of structure and organization. Four symbolizes the safety and security of home, the need for stability and strength on a solid foundation of values and beliefs.

In this flight, we learn the importance of God’s timing. We reached a point where God is pleased with our obedience and he blesses us with everything we prayed for and more. God was with us every step of the way, holding us up and pushing us to higher ground. In flight four we have finally learned more about ourselves than we ever would have learned in our own timing. Things had to be interrupted in order for you to truly search within. Our Free will is our greatest strength. God breaks ground from within. You are now on the fourth floor and you have the choice to keep elevating and reach for higher ground. You made it this far and this means you can keep going. Number 4 means creation. You are now a new creation and have a purpose you must accomplish. Continue to dig deep within and radiate your light to the world. God is with you and I believe in you. 

With Love,

-Jenny Pareja