Summarized Transcript of Episode 261 of The Moving On Method® Podcast

Introduction – What Can I Do When My Ex Keeps Bringing New Girlfriends Around the Kids?

HOST (Michelle Dempsey-Multack):
Welcome back to another Ask Michelle Anything. Today I’m addressing one of the most common, emotionally charged questions I hear: How do I handle it when my ex continually brings new girlfriends around the kids?

This issue triggers deep emotions, betrayal, disrespect, frustration, and often reopens wounds from the marriage itself. But as parents, we need to shift from our own pain to what matters most: our children’s emotional safety, stability, and long-term resilience.

 

Why You Can’t Control Your Ex’s Choices

• You cannot control what your ex does in their household. 

• Trying to force or convince them rarely works, especially if communication is strained.
• The legal system is unlikely to intervene unless there is evidence of direct harm.

QUOTE: “This is one of those times where you’re going to have to tattoo the serenity prayer on your forehead, because this is something you can’t control.”

HOST: The focus must be on your response, not theirs.

 

How to Manage Your Own Emotions

• Acknowledge your anger, sadness, or sense of betrayal, these are valid. 

• Process those feelings privately, with friends, journaling, or therapy.
• Avoid unloading them on your children, as it burdens them with adult conflicts.

QUOTE: “You’re entitled to your ragey feelings, but put them in a jar. Your kids can’t carry that weight.”

 

Supporting Children Through Unstable Dynamics

HOST: When kids encounter a revolving door of new partners, it impacts their nervous system and sense of safety. The antidote is to become their safe parent:

• Hold space for their feelings without interrogation. 
• Ask neutral, open-ended questions like: “How was that for you?”
• Avoid judgmental comments like “I can’t believe they brought you around someone new.”
• Validate when they share both positive and negative experiences.

Key Insight: Overreacting teaches children to hide their feelings. Neutral listening encourages trust and openness.

 

Long-Term Impact on Kids

• Repeated introductions to new partners erode children’s stability. 

• Kids often internalize guilt or confusion when they enjoy time with a new partner.
• Over time, they gravitate toward the parent who consistently provides safety, predictability, and emotional validation.

QUOTE: “They always know who and what they’re coming home to. Don’t take that for granted.”

 

The Role of Legal Action and Parenting Plans

• Courts are reluctant to enforce rules about dating and introductions. 

• Demanding restrictions may backfire and increase conflict.
• Instead, focus your legal and emotional energy on non-negotiables that truly affect children’s safety and well-being.

 

The Branded Framework: Safe Harbor Parenting™

Michelle emphasizes a framework she calls Safe Harbor Parenting™:

1. Emotional Safety – Validate children’s feelings and give them coping tools. 
2. Consistency – Create predictable routines in your household.
3. Boundaries – Separate your emotions from your children’s experiences.
4. Resilience Building – Model calm, adaptive responses that children can mirror.

 

Closing Reflections

QUOTE: “Your job is not to control your ex. Your job is to be the safe harbor where your children can always return.”

By prioritizing your child’s stability, emotional safety, and trust, you ensure they grow up in an environment they won’t have to recover from, even if the other parent chooses poorly.

 

Memorable Quotes

1. “Tattoo the serenity prayer on your forehead, this is something you can’t control.”  

2. “Put your ragey feelings in a jar. Your kids can’t carry that weight.”
3. “They always know who and what they’re coming home to. Don’t take that for granted.”
4. “Your job is to be the safe harbor.”

 

Raw Transcript:

 

Welcome back to another episode of Ask Michelle Anything where I, certified divorce and co-parenting specialist, answer your questions. So this week we have one that I tend to get a lot and it just makes me think, man, if only this person who’s asking the question could fast forward 20 years and see into the future and see that this situation is going to be this person’s mess to clean up one day, not theirs. But anyway, all that to say, what is the question? How to best handle a co-parent who is bringing multiple members of the opposite sex around the kids during their time? Well, unfortunately, this is one of those times where you’re gonna have to like, remember the serenity prayer and tattoo it on your forehead.

 

So every time you look in the mirror, you can remember that this is something you can’t control, right? And you can’t change it. And you can’t be the person convincing your ex to do something differently because you’re probably in a spot with them right now where they don’t really wanna listen to what you have to say. That makes it really challenging.

 

What also makes it really challenging is that this situation is heightening your feelings, right? It’s probably triggering every emotion that you felt in the marriage with this person, that it’s disrespectful, that it’s a form of betrayal and you’re just completely shocked. But now you have kids. And so you have also the difficult task of putting aside your feelings to focus on theirs, right? Because now if your children are experiencing a reality in which whenever they go to the other parent’s house, they may have to meet a new paramour or love interest or treat somebody like, you know, mommy or daddy’s new girlfriend, that can be really, really stressful on them.

 

So what we wanna do in this situation is pull back. Outside of our own feelings and emotions, we can label those as ragey and put them in a jar because we’re entitled to those feelings too, right? But we have to do what’s gonna make the kids feel best. And that’s not add more stress to their pile.

 

That’s not question them about every little thing that went on with this person or who this person is or what they look like or what they said. That’s taking the information that they give to you, holding space for your child’s feelings, whatever they are in that moment, not making it something it’s not by saying, I can’t believe they brought you around a new girlfriend. How does that make you feel? We don’t wanna go down that road.

 

When they come to you and say, I met so-and-so this weekend. You wanna say something like, oh, how was that for you? Okay, great. Do you have any questions about that situation? Is there anything that comes up for you? I’m always here to hear those feelings.

 

You don’t have to worry about sharing them with me. Now, when they tell you that they like this person and they had so much fun, try to keep your face like, you know, you can go scream into a pillow later, but great, thank you so much for sharing that with me because what we don’t want is for your reaction to be bigger than the information that they’re bringing to you. And now, as time goes on, they’re gonna feel like, oh, well, I can’t bring this information to my parent because they can’t handle it.

 

So I’m just gonna have to internalize however I feel about it. Also, you should know that if this person is regularly engaging in behavior like this, there is a good chance they’re not as focused on your kids’ feelings as you are. So while you have to do double duty of managing your own feelings and managing theirs, you also have to know that you are the safe parent if you are not yourself doing the same thing.

 

You are the consistent one. You are the one that provides comfort and stability. They always know who and what they’re coming home to, right? And don’t take that for granted.

 

Over time, if the kids are repeatedly in situations where they have to adjust and readjust to new people, it’s gonna wear them down. That’s a lot on a child’s nervous system. And you don’t wanna be the person that they’re scared of because your reactions to what goes on in the other home are frankly scary.

 

Like, I mean, they would be if you were talking to a girlfriend or a therapist, right? Save your feelings for that. Know that you cannot control the situation. It’s not like you can go to court and say, I want my ex to stop bringing all these people around my child.

 

And the court is automatically gonna say, sure, no problem. That would be a whole process with no guarantees. Your best bet is to save your energy for managing your kids’ feelings during that time, managing your own, having age-appropriate conversations with them that they lead, not putting ideas in their head, and letting them just be kids.

 

That’s the whole point of this, is children deserve a life as close to what it would have been had you stayed married, right? So if the other parent can’t give them that, then it’s on you. And because it’s on you, you get to reap the benefits so much more of having a child grow up in a space with you where they feel safe and connected. And they’ll always, always be thankful for that.

 

If you’re getting divorced, thinking about getting divorced, or just trying to figure out how in the world to co-parent with someone who makes your life miserable, you’ve come to the right place. I’m Michelle Dempsey-Maltak, and I have years of experience working with divorcing and co-parenting clients as a certified divorce and co-parenting specialist, educator, best-selling author, podcaster, all of those things. And I have worked with hundreds of people who are just trying to figure out a way to give their children a life that they won’t have to recover from now that there was a divorce.

 

What does this mean for you? This means there are so many ways that you can access my many, many guides, workbooks, courses, work with me one-on-one. Just by visiting michelledempsey.com, you can check out our wealth of resources. I have courses and workbooks on everything from how to handle difficult transition days with your kids, how to understand a parenting plan and make sure that it’s written in the best interest of your children, how to talk to kids about divorce at all ages, how to set boundaries with somebody, and more.

 

You can even learn how to protect your relationship when you are dealing with someone who is attempting alienation or just making life really, really hard. This is all available to you on my website, michelledempsey.com and if you have questions about any of it, you can reach me at info at momsmovingon.com.