Summarized Transcript of Ask Michelle Anything on The Moving On Method® Podcast

Introduction: What Are the Top Questions Divorce Coaches Hear Most?

HOST (Michelle Dempsey-Multack):
Welcome back to another Ask Michelle Anything. Today, I’m answering three of the most common—and emotionally charged, questions I receive as a certified divorce and co-parenting specialist. While I’m not a lawyer, I’m here to give expert, experience-based advice to help parents create a child-centered co-parenting environment after divorce.

 

When Kids Say They Feel Unsafe With a Parent

Question: What do you do when children refuse to see their father because they say they feel unsafe, but courts insist they must go?

HOST:

• You can’t control what happens in the other parent’s home.

   

• The court system doesn’t always validate children’s voices, which leaves parents frustrated and children unheard.
• What you can do:
  • Validate your child’s emotions.

     

  • Create a safe, calm environment in your own home.
  • Provide coping strategies and empower them with words they can use.
  • Remain steady and supportive without adding to their fear.

QUOTE: “You cannot change what happens in your ex’s home, but you can make your own home the safe harbor your children will always remember.”

Michelle emphasizes that children need one stable, secure caregiver to thrive. By being the calm, consistent presence, you protect them now and in the long term.

 

How Should Stepparents Handle Hostility From the Bio Mom?

Question: What advice do you have for a stepmom when the biological mother shows hostility and disdain?

HOST:

• Recognize this is often about ego and loss, not you personally.

   

• The bio mom may feel:
  • Rejected or replaced.

     

  • Fearful that her kids will “prefer” you.
  • Protective over the time she’s already lost.
• Your role as a stepmom:
  • Respect the children’s bond with their mom.

     

  • Avoid unnecessary conflict with your partner about his ex.
  • Build trust slowly, demonstrate respect through actions, not words.

Practical strategies:

• Encourage the kids to honor their mom (cards, small gifts, affirmations).

   

• Support your partner in keeping communication civil.
• Give children space to enjoy time with their father without competing for attention.

QUOTE: “Respecting the bio parent, even if she doesn’t respect you, is the most powerful move a step-parent can make.”

 

Should Parenting Plans Restrict When Kids Meet New Partners?

Question: Can I add a six-month waiting period in my parenting plan before my ex introduces a new partner to the kids?

HOST:

• You can ask, but it rarely works as intended.

   

• Six months is arbitrary, compatibility with kids can surface sooner (or later).
• Fighting over this clause often creates more conflict than protection.

Recommended Approach:

• Focus on the non-negotiables in your parenting plan that truly impact your children’s well-being.

   

• Trust that time will reveal whether a new partner is a healthy addition.
• Avoid rigid “ego-driven” rules that may backfire or cause resentment.

QUOTE: “Don’t waste your energy on rules that fuel conflict. Save your strength for the hills worth dying on.”

 

Key Takeaways for Divorced and Co-Parenting Families

• Validate children’s feelings while empowering them with coping tools.

   

• Be the safe, steady caregiver they can rely on.
• Stepparents should earn trust by showing respect, not demanding it.
• Parenting plan battles should prioritize child well-being, not ego.
• Flexibility, emotional intelligence, and long-term perspective are essential in co-parenting.

 

Memorable Quotes

1. “You cannot change your ex’s home, but you can create safety on your own.”

    

2. “Respecting the bio parent is the ultimate step-parent power play.”
3. “Six months is an arbitrary number, what matters is how a new partner treats your kids.”
4. “Focus your fight on the hills worth dying on.”

 

Raw Transcript:

Welcome to another Ask Michelle Anything, where I answer your questions about co-parenting and divorce that you send in. I’m a divorce and co-parenting specialist, not a lawyer, but I am giving you my expert and sound advice to better support your children through this really tricky process. And this is a question that I think many people will relate to.

 

Can you talk about how to deal when your kids refuse to see their father because they’ve expressed they feel unsafe? CPS has been called three times, but always unfounded, and the courts are claiming that the kids are exaggerating. I want to honor my kids’ feelings, but I don’t know how to help them repair their relationship with their dad. Any help would be appreciated, but please do not share my profile.

 

Okay, not sharing the profile. Here’s the thing about this. You cannot control what goes in the other parent’s home.

 

And it seems like you have taken every measure to try and support your children, validate their feelings, make a change to the plan so that they can spend less time in the home where they feel unsafe. And unfortunately, the court wasn’t on your side, which means the court wasn’t on your children’s side in this situation. I’m speculating here.

 

I don’t know details. Who definitely needs to be on your children’s side is you. And because you cannot force your ex to treat the kids in a different way, you need to reshift your view on what your responsibility is with this.

 

Because you can’t effectuate a change on the parenting plan, and because you can’t be there in the other home to help your children when things go wrong or have the conversations that need to be had in the moment, you need to do everything in your power to make sure that your home feels like a safe space. Now, something tells me you already are because you’re trying your best to give your kids a life that is not uncomfortable and scary. But this also includes validating their feelings, not denying their experiences, and also giving them tools to cope, right? Because if we say to them, oh my God, I wish you didn’t have to go there, but we both know that that is not a reality that’s in your foreseeable future, it sounds like they still have to go there, then you’re just reiterating to them what they’re already scared of, that that’s a scary place and you shouldn’t have to be there, versus I know that it’s really hard for you when dad behaves in this way, or when dad treats you in this way.

 

What are some things you feel when this happens? What are some ways that you think you can help the situation or make yourself feel better? You want to honor the experience for them and also give them tools to cope. When you start to share with them that these things are making you feel some type of way, it could lead to them not even wanting to share anything with you because they know that you’re also getting upset by it, right? Kids are biologically wired to want to please us, at least most kids. They want to make sure their connection with us is safe, so sometimes that means not sharing how they feel for fear that it might upset us.

 

So you need to be the calm, safe presence in all of these conversations. Always thank them for coming to tell you how they feel, letting them know that while you can’t change the situation, it doesn’t mean that they can’t use their own voices to speak up for themselves. I have found that helping empower kids, giving them phrases or sentences they can use with the other parent to try and get their point across helps a lot, but ultimately you have to know that at the end of the day or at the end of their childhoods, when they do really have a choice to decide who they want to spend time with or who they want to continue a relationship with into their adulthood, it likely won’t be that person.

 

It’ll be you. And not to say we want this to happen, but thankfully they have the one safe, stable caregiver that they can lean on that we know research says is what a child needs in order to thrive. So as upsetting as this whole situation is for you, you don’t want to come across as helpless and exasperated because of it.

 

You want to keep remaining that strong, steady port in the storm. I’ve got you. I’m going to make you feel better or teach you ways that you can cope.

 

I’m always going to be a listening ear and helping them understand nuances about people and behavior and relationships that, yes, somebody can say they love you and also do something to upset you. There’s a lot of valuable tools here that you can teach to your kids, that you can help them understand about relationships in general, and you want them to be able to name what doesn’t feel good for them so that you can work that part through with them so that they don’t go off into their lives and think behavior like this is normal and ends up in relationships that follow the same patterns. I’m sorry there’s no cut and dry answer to this.

 

I know like mother to mother how much you must be struggling. I encourage you also, a really helpful tool for you would be to get individualized support for yourself because when we’re dealing with situations that are so much bigger than we know how to handle, we got to kind of put the oxygen mask on first before we can tackle it with our kids. And oftentimes that’s best done with a therapist or a coach like myself.

 

And if you need more support, feel free to reach out. Remember, I am not here offering legal advice. I am just offering you sound input into how to protect and connect with your kids in times of difficulty like these.

 

Thanks so much for sending in your question. I got this question the other day and I couldn’t wait to talk about it because this comes up a lot. Advice for a stepmom when the bio mom has so much disdain for you.

 

Oof, this is so layered. And let’s just start with you’re the new person in this man’s life, right? And whether or not the bio mom wanted the split, this feels icky. It’s like a territorial thing.

 

If she didn’t want the split, then man, this is going to hit her even harder. So two things have now happened. Her husband left her and he chose you.

 

So right away, you’re going to be the villain. And it’s not about you. It’s about the situation as a whole.

 

The other part of this is she’s likely having a hard time that she can’t be with her kids a hundred percent of the time anymore. And that half that she’s not with them now goes to you. And there’s nothing scarier for a mom than feeling like, Oh my God, what if my kids like this woman more? What if they think she’s cooler, prettier, funner, whatever, whatever it is.

 

That’s an ego thing. And that’s really hard to get past in the very beginning. Now, the other issue is that your, your current partner has likely told you all of the BS and negativity that went on between him and his ex.

 

So now she’s also on the defense. She’s worried about what this person knows about you, what they don’t know, what they haven’t heard, what they hear. So there’s all sorts of feelings at play, right? Which makes her feel like you’re the enemy best to keep you at arm’s length.

 

Now, what I don’t want you to do is make this a persistent issue with your partner because second marriages end at a much higher rate than first, most often because of these blended family and step-parenting issues. All this drama ensues because of the exes and then the kids get involved. And then the kids and the step-parents are fighting.

 

We don’t want this for you. And there is a way to avoid it. Doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll end up besties with the bio mom, but at least you’ll be protecting your relationship and your time with their, with this person’s kids, which is super important because these kids didn’t ask to be in this situation.

 

First things first, I would set your partner straight. I would say, Hey, you know, I get it. She doesn’t like me.

 

I’m willing to take the high road. I’m willing to do what I need to do to let these kids know that I respect them. I respect their relationship with their mom and let’s just not make it an issue.

 

I don’t need you to go run to her over every little thing because then she’s not going to like me at all. Right? And we don’t want that. What we want is to develop a slow burn of trust that can eventually lead to a relationship.

 

And how do you do this? Not by texting her and saying, I can’t believe you don’t trust me. I love your kids and I’m trying to help you as much as I can. You do this by showing them.

 

You do this by showing the kids that you respect them and you respect their relationship with their mom. And when this gets back to mom, maybe it’s the kids asked you for something and you said, why don’t you ask your mom first? Light bulb goes off for mom. Oh my God, this new person, the step parent is not the devil.

 

Maybe I don’t have to be at war with them. The other thing I want you to consider is that you have power now that you didn’t have before. You have power to influence your current partner’s relationship with their ex and your children’s relationship with their bio parent.

 

So maybe it’s mother’s day. Maybe it’s a holiday. Maybe it’s a birthday.

 

You’re encouraging the kids to make her a card or bring her a little gift, or you’re encouraging your partner to have a civil level-headed conversation with his ex and maybe switch the day that he’s refusing to switch because he’s so up in arms over her. You have a lot of power and how all of this goes, and it may never result in the friendship you think it will or want, but you also don’t need that. You really can stay in your lane and respect the relationship without her needing to like or accept you.

 

And I know that’s hard because you’re probably someone who’s kind and has tried your best, but I think the more you give air time and energy to the disdain and the hate, the more you allow it to sort of like creep into your life all around. And the kids don’t deserve that. The other thing I want you to consider is that these kids, if their mom has this much hate for you, they probably know how their mom feels.

 

So they are already coming to your home feeling kind of guilty, feeling like they’re doing something wrong, not sure if they should like you. If they are enjoying their time with you, then they are going to get that pit in their stomach when they go home to mom and mom’s asking them questions. So now it’s even more critical that you are the sane, logical one, that when they come to you, you make it known that, hey, this is your home.

 

This is not my home. I want you to feel safe. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to do.

 

I want you to feel comfortable. I want you to enjoy your time with me. But also if you want time and space away from me for alone time with your dad, I respect that also.

 

And that’s important, whether or not we’re dealing with the bio mom. Children still do deserve that one-on-one time with their kids. But all of these things together equal you looking like a really confident step-parent.

 

You’re respecting the bio parent, whether or not she respects you. You’re respecting the fact that these children didn’t ask for you to be there, and they’re probably already dealing with enough hardship on the other side. You’re respecting your current partner and his relationship with his ex, and you’re even probably trying to make it better because that means less stress on you guys.

 

This is the power play you have now, and I really hope you use it well. If you have any other questions on this topic or anything else, you can always reach out at info at momsmovingon.com. Don’t forget that if you’ve asked the question, you’re probably already doing more good than bad. So keep doing it.

 

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That’s worthy.com slash moms, and I’ve got you covered. You guys really send in some great questions. Frankly, I wish I had stopped to ask some of these questions when I myself was getting divorced, but you live and you learn, right? Okay, this one is, can I add to my parenting plan that my ex won’t introduce a new partner for six months? I mean, sure, you can ask to add it in, but I always, when a client comes to me with this, and I get it, right? Like you want to know who’s going to be around your kids.

 

You don’t want it to be just anybody, and you want to make sure that your children are protected from bad people. What does six months do? I just want to know. Like if you start dating somebody, right, and you want to know for sure that this is somebody you’re going to spend the rest of your life with as your part two relationship after divorce, are you going to wait six months to see if this person like meshes well with your kids, if they treat your kids respectfully, if they don’t like flip out when your child unknowingly launches a glass of water across the table in a public place? This happened to me the first time my daughter met my now husband.

 

You want to know early on before you pursue a real relationship with somebody if they’re going to be good for your kids too, and so your ex deserves the same level of respect. Now, I’m not saying that you need to introduce your kids right away and spend every waking moment together with your children and your new partner, but there has to be some level of trust that your ex, this is ironic because you probably don’t trust them right now, is not going to introduce them to every single new partner that crosses their path, right? This is one of those things, again, like so many of the decisions we make when we’re divorcing, that’s coming from a place of ego, right? Like I don’t want my kids, if you’re a woman, I don’t want my kids around my ex’s new girlfriend because I don’t want them to like her more than me. Well, that could happen whether they meet her in six months or two years or a week, right? It’s not the amount of time, and I always laugh because the people who want this in their parenting plans the most end up being the people who are like, oh my God, I can’t believe I fought for that because I ended up meeting somebody first before my ex, or how am I even going to be able to quantify that six months? Like what are you going to do? You’re going to ask for a timestamp on their first date, and six months later, it’s just one of those things that’s probably going to put you in more conflict than you need.

 

I always tell my clients, strategize, make a list. What are the top things in your parenting plan that are your non-negotiables? That’s the hill you’re going to die on. You need those things in order for your kids to be okay in this divorce.

 

That’s probably one of those things you’re not going to have the energy or the time or money to fight over. So I hate to say it, it’s one of those things you got to let slide, unless you have a private investigator following someone around from date one to date six months. It’s just no.

 

I just want to let you know that none of what I share should be taken in place of legal advice. If you have a real legal issue that requires attention, make sure you call your lawyer and know that this information is designed to educate, not be the end all be all to your problems. If you’re getting divorced, thinking about getting divorced, or just trying to figure out how in the world to co-parent with someone who makes your life miserable, you’ve come to the right place.

 

I’m Michelle Dempsey-Moltak and I have years of experience working with divorcing and co-parenting clients as a certified divorce and co-parenting specialist, educator, best-selling author, podcaster, all of those things. And I have worked with hundreds of people who are just trying to figure out a way to give their children a life that they won’t have to recover from now that there was a divorce. What does this mean for you? This means there are so many ways that you can access my many, many guides, workbooks, courses, work with me one-on-one.

 

Just by visiting michelledempsey.com, you can check out our wealth of resources. I have courses and workbooks on everything from how to handle difficult transition days with your kids, how to understand a parenting plan and make sure that it’s written in the best interest of your children, how to talk to kids about divorce at all ages, how to set boundaries with somebody, and more. You can even learn how to protect your relationship when you are dealing with someone who is attempting alienation or just making life really, really hard.

 

This is all available to you on my website michelledempsey.com, and if you have questions about any of it, you can reach me at info at momsmovingon.com.