Estrangement is no longer the silent family epidemic it once was, today, it’s at the center of many conversations about emotional health, conscious parenting, and healing from generational trauma. But what causes it? In my powerful conversation with psychotherapist and estrangement expert Whitney Goodman, we unpacked the root causes of why adult children choose to walk away, and more importantly, how to raise our kids in ways that reduce that risk. Estrangement doesn’t happen overnight. It happens when emotional safety is repeatedly denied, and when parents can’t see, validate, or make space for their children’s life experiences.
We explored the complex legacy of narcissistic parenting, abandonment, and the lasting emotional impact of growing up in homes where children’s feelings were routinely dismissed or minimized. For many adults, the realization comes only after they become parents themselves and face the question: “Would I want my child to have my childhood?” If the answer is “no,” that’s often the start of the healing process. But that healing gets complicated when you’re simultaneously trying to raise emotionally attuned kids and co-parent with someone who lacks emotional maturity, or worse, weaponizes the child dynamic to exert control.
One of the most resonant themes we touched on was parentification, the subtle yet damaging dynamic where children become the emotional caretakers of their parents. Whether it’s sharing too much about the divorce, venting about the other parent, or calling your child “your rock,” these well-intentioned moments can burden kids with adult responsibilities they aren’t emotionally equipped to handle. What feels like closeness can actually undermine secure attachment and later turn into resentment or disconnection in adulthood.
But there is a path forward. We don’t need to parent perfectly to raise healthy, connected children. What we need is boundaried empathy, emotional self-awareness, and the courage to let our children feel what they feel, even when it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, or doesn’t match our version of the story. Parenting without a roadmap is hard. But it’s also the greatest opportunity to break cycles, model emotional safety, and raise children who don’t have to recover from their childhoods.
Meet the Expert
Whitney Goodman is a licensed psychotherapist, the author of Toxic Positivity, and the founder of the therapeutic resource platform Calling Home. Known online as @sitwithwit, she’s become one of the leading voices on parent-child estrangement, emotional validation, and trauma-informed parenting. Whitney specializes in helping people navigate complex family dynamics, repair broken relationships, and create emotionally safe environments for themselves and their children. Her work resonates with anyone trying to break free from generational dysfunction and raise emotionally intelligent kids in a world still catching up.
The Big Idea
Estrangement is not about cutting someone off, it’s about protecting your emotional safety when the relationship consistently fails to honor your reality. For those of us parenting after trauma, particularly during high-conflict divorces, the biggest challenge is resisting the urge to overcorrect. We want to protect our children from what we experienced, but that impulse can lead to over-parenting, emotional enmeshment, and even projection parenting, where we unconsciously try to heal our past through their present.
Parenting without a roadmap means doing this work in real-time, often without a model to follow. And when you’re co-parenting with someone who is emotionally immature, narcissistic, or controlling, the pressure to compensate can feel overwhelming. But trying to “make up for” the other parent only distracts from your relationship with your child, the one relationship where you have the power to show up, anchor them, and offer the safety you never had.
Key Takeaways
- Estrangement often stems from present-day behavior, not just childhood trauma. Emotional invalidation, lack of perspective-taking, and rigid narratives about the “right” version of the past are major contributing factors.
- Overcompensating for your own childhood doesn’t guarantee emotional safety for your child. It can lead to ignoring their actual needs and projecting your fears onto them.
- Parentification is a subtle but damaging dynamic. When a child becomes your therapist, confidante, or emotional regulator, it robs them of their right to a carefree, developmentally appropriate childhood.
- Validate your child’s reality, even when it hurts. This is one of the strongest antidotes to future estrangement. They’re allowed to see things differently than you do.
- Stop parenting through the lens of fear. Focusing too much on what the other parent is doing will only fracture your connection with your child. Anchor in your own integrity and let your child grow into the clarity of who’s who and what’s what.
Tools, Strategies, or Frameworks Mentioned
- Parenting Without a Roadmap – Whitney’s concept that speaks to those of us building new parenting models without having had emotionally safe ones ourselves. It encourages curiosity, flexibility, and self-trust in parenting.
- “Boundaried” Empathy – The practice of offering emotional support to your child while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries. It means modeling healthy emotion regulation, not making your child responsible for your healing.
- Critical Thinking Skills for Children – Tools for helping kids process conflicting narratives without scripting their beliefs. Instead of correcting, ask:
- “Do you agree with that?”
- “Has that ever happened before?”
- “What do you feel about that?”
- Calling Home – Whitney’s membership platform providing scripts, videos, worksheets, and group support for estranged adults and parents trying to show up better.
Final Thoughts
The most common thing I hear from parents in my practice is: “I just don’t want my child to grow up and resent me.” But what I’ve learned, both as a professional and as a parent, is that resentment isn’t avoided by being perfect. It’s avoided by being real, consistent, emotionally safe, and willing to hold space for your child’s version of reality, even when it triggers your own.
Estrangement doesn’t begin in one big moment. It begins in the small, everyday ways we dismiss, correct, or override our children’s experiences. The good news? Repair is always possible. Awareness is the first step. And showing up with intention, even without a roadmap, is more than enough.
Full Transcript
https://transcripts/moving-on-method-ep257-parentification-estrangement
Want to learn more?
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